Friday, July 23, 2010


this is all i want to do forever about 3 hours ago via Twitpic

how. much. fun. #ohmygodiloveit #whatreallifejob? about 3 hours ago via Twitpic

oops .............switching the subject real quick just to say HOLY UNFUCKINBELIEVABLE SET OF PIPES ............. about 3 hours ago via TweetDeck CHRISTINA AGUILERA  YOU LOST ME ON YOUTUBE she is truly incredible

oh, by the way #jamesmorrisonrocks about 2 hours ago via TweetDeck

@imacolata i don't know! my bff little girl just got 2 of them for her birthday. #iwantone #NOW!

dont you SEE? this is my #ADHD fucking #dreamcometrue about 2 hours ago via Twitpic

***"why i love this book:" by veruca whatever*** #selfcrownedpsychologyexpert based on the fact #imfuckingcrazy #ihaveeverythinginthebook about 2 hours ago via txt

lets say i had picked up a pink chaotic book that caught my eye simply by the instinct #curse that inhibits me from NOT noticing & HAVING 2C about 2 hours ago via txt

and what if inside that book there was a box of colored pencils, perfectly sharpened & of every color...but the book only held BLANK. PAGES. about 2 hours ago via txt

might be fun...i'm quite certain i could easily be distracted by something else chaotic & leave this behind, pencils all over the table... about 2 hours ago via txt

i would have left behind like...maybe 3 pages of pointless, "barely-more-than-a-single-detail" type scribbles... about 2 hours ago via txt

so if you dont attract something cool enough for yourself to consider even STARTING, your pretty fucked with the 2 opposing contenders... about 2 hours ago via txt

so the ADHD does not impair my ability to conCEIVE the ideas. i'm running my fingerleft to right over the mental screen of apps on my itouch about 2 hours ago via

 waiting for one thing to reflect this blinding light into your eye, screaming "i'm so fucking exciting you will FUCKIN LOVE THIS!!" about 2 hours ago via txt

nope, *swish* nope *swish* nope *swish* as quickly as your eye just read it... about 2 hours ago via txt
and you DO eventually see that #blindinglight ...and you DID produce 3 completely random, uninteresting and stupid blahpages about 2 hours ago via txt
but none of that happens! ...cuz this is there instead: #cueangelshallelujahing about 1 hour ago via Twitpic

i dont know how to spell *hallelujah* i just googled it on the last tweet but dont remember from that one to this one if i just did it wrong about 1 hour ago via txt
so. the book. look at this shit! you dont have to try & impress or attract youSELF cuz u arent the origin. its COOLER your ideas had been... about 1 hour ago via txt

the pages with lots of multiples. like the cupcakes, is like a fucking DREAM cuz now you get the apps page on the itouch when faced with... about 1 hour ago via txt

WHAT to do with the cupcake. but there are like, a MILLion (10) here & there are big ones & small ones and omg i'll do one red & blue, red.. about 1 hour ago via txt

and then you flip pages, holyshitumbrellas, and wall paper, the endless sea of possibilities is like fucking HERoin, but #iveneverdoneheroin about 1 hour ago via txt

**you skip the pictured w just one option. draw the beach on this almost empty page...ew. big idea. too big. #ihateit #illgetboredin5seconds about 1 hour ago via txt

this is an example of the exact OPPOSITE of what i just said #icoulddothis4days about 1 hour ago via Twitpic

structure. chaotic structure. about 1 hour ago via txt

deciding. who cares. theyre fun about 1 hour ago via txt

pencils spotted. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck

they're screaming about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
... ... ... .

once my eyes take in the scene, and my hand reaches slowly for a pencil #whocareswhatcolor, my head drops and i'm OFF about 1 hour ago

everything outside of this book & these pencils & the fucking #chemicalfreeacidtrip going on in my head, just came to a screeching halt. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
this begins the moment that the highest dosage of drug is released to the shark endorphins & it's a straight line slide downhill from there. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck

end of story. about 1 hour ago via txt

cut short bcuz by i cannot exist outside of at least a 5 mile radius of my bff's husband without him having drama bcuz he's FIVEfknyrsold about 1 hour ago via txt
but good place to end. i saw something shiny & chaotic our here at the ice cream section of hannaford... what do i want... 44 minutes ago via txt

the inability to stop texting this enitre time has been an example of everything i was texting. as i was texting it. 43 minutes ago via txt

WICKED into converting this from mind to something savable... i dont know why i want to save it. i want to read it again in 5 yrs. #thatsfun 42 minutes ago via txt

and even though those voices were there... "everyone's gonna hate u for throwing your shit all over their pages" or "they'll unfollow you!" 40 minutes ago via txt

*insert sarcastic scaredy face horror movie scream here* 39 minutes ago via txt

thats not why i tweet. 37 minutes ago via txt
moral of the story: throwing my interest into this story, which i became obsessed with, was also a selftaughtsupportgroup #lmao #psychexpert 36 minutes ago via txt

i SO. DeSPErATELY wanted. to sit down and decorate that entire book & forget the existence of the world around me. #itwasscreaming ...but... 34 minutes ago via

my support group pers#4 said "its a brand new bday present, personality #2, to an eight year old. you're NOT. find another thought, & ... 32 minutes ago via txt
find another light cuz you cant color in here #butohmygodlookattheanimalzoocages! 31 minutes ago via txt

therefore, the past *however long* has been the light. and now its going OUT. 30 minutes ago via txt

 oh. and i got chocolate chip. 29 minutes ago via txt

*credits* not rolling, though... i think... fade in fade out... 28 minutes ago via txt

this has been a presentation of #imustbeREALLYfuckedup 26 minutes ago via txt

by amandas 1 through 8 25 minutes ago via txt
ok, fine. chocolate chip AND vanilla bean... but the KIDS are coming! translation: #dontknowifiwantchockchipsorrainbowsprink les 16 minutes ago via txt

home now. gonna go find something shiny. ...... ... ... .... ...... .... beeeep beep beeeep beep ... ... 12 minutes ago via txt

Monday, July 5, 2010

love story

Late night 4th of July, 2010…

i just switched personalities 7 when i came to, i was sitting on the floor, halfway thru a piece of pizza, Nerds on the side... #theresmore

...watching the Upside Down Show on Nick Jr or something, which, btw, i dont encourage or ever offer to watch because... #itkindacreepsmeout

SO into a text message that i was LOCKED inside of typing all the way thru cuz i didnt want to forget- i could barely keep up the thoughts

crazy shit. i'm sitting halfway thru an episode of dudes i cant stand talking w their hands with faces on their hands#withthosegooglyeyes
about 9 hours ago  via txt

why cant the guys just talk? we can SEE them. so can you please just put your hand away & take off the googly eyes cuz it feels creepily odd

yeah... that chick with the pizza and the nerds is a crazy. she always eats junk. ;) about 9 hours ago via txt

Smarties again. it's bad. #problemswithcandy


(cut to the love story)

hot tub – overlooking bay

girl & boy – lovers

perfect everything

girl leans over, smiles into boys eyes, kisses his cheek, whispers into his ear

Girl: you make me feel like I can walk on this water.


boy turns head to girl after she whispers in his ear, catching her lips with his before the distance is too great…

he looks into her soul and time freezes before he can speak…

Boy: …you can

Friday, May 7, 2010

mcd's coke

(my tweets from the day’s adventure)

if i could even tell u people what the fuck is going on at mcd's right now you wouldnt even believe me. fucking. ridiculous. for a fkn coke

me total was $4.74. i gave her a $20.00. she looks at me & rolls he eyes as she's digging thru the change drawer & says "sorry, no quarters"

Now, i dont remember what the total was cuz actually, i was getting rdy 2tweet, but she seemd 2b collecting like 274 pennies from the drawer

i assume it mustve been like 0.99 cents bcuz of the annoyed eye roll, bcuz counting our change is apparently sweat incuding, so i say

"oh thats ok, i have change, how much was it?" she says $4.74. well, actually, i'm tweeting so i reach down & pick up $0.26 bcuz i'm BUSY

so busy apparently, that i'm only hearing the personality who is saying "why the fuck was 0.26 cents so hard to break down from one quarter?

but all i hear from that personality is "twenty six twenty six twenty six" all 7 other personalities are talking as well:

P2: (fade in) " ok, these are the things i need to get done when i get up there - get over your fkn OCD & order, make that album (fade out)"

P3: (fade in) WHY is the bottom of my fuckin right foot so itchy? why is it my right foot? did i step on something sketchy w bare (fade ou)

P4: oh fuck what did the mcd's chick say? $4.24 *P4 ALSO hears the distant "twenty six twenty six" so: ah, yes, $4.2SIX! i hand her $0.26

she's frozen at the register, fingering the change so it would "clink" as though she hadnt had to stop & think cuz i would JUDGE her 4sure

P5 yo dipshit, you just confused the poor kid, it was 74 cents will you give the poor kid the right fuckin change- youure confusing me too

P6 would i know how to make change if i was her? omg, please tell me i would.

P7: (in geek voice) 74 & 26 = 100 she owed you 26cents. you gave her 26cents. youre an idiot. give her 48fkn cents b4 i freak out.

well, everyone was talking all at once & P7 was being a KNOW it all so i reached down, grabbed 2 quarters & handed them to her, apologizing

tell her i didnt mean to be confusuing, my bad, here's 50cents just keep the 2 cents..." i look @ the girl...she's clinking the change again

tell her i didnt mean to be confusuing, my bad, here's 50cents just keep the 2 cents..." i look @ the girl...she's clinking the change again

she hasd a completely blank face and in movie slow motion, she turns, hands me $ & barely mutters... "mmkay" She hands me: (drum roll)


this is where i lost the voet 5to3 (8 personalities) instead of driving off & letting it go i say, as her CORPORaTE cash drawer latches shut ...

i know i confused you, i'm so sorry, i just need one more dollar. i know its only a dollar but actually, i'm not giving it to mcd's

people in Nashville need toothpaste. McD's nees a fkn NOTHING

this girl is looking at me like i'm from One Flew Over & i'm after an awkward silence i was on the verge of just leaving Mcds w nothing, but

i actually dont have any money either so actually Ps who voted to leave, you should be telling me to be responsible & get my money

"umm... i'll be right back"

oh well thats just fuckin fanTAStic. i'm at the window to pay, 2 cars are behind me & she's gone. i hear P4 and P8: "run! run! go! go!"

after everyone in mcd's come and LOoKS att me cuz apparently being confusing is cause for a public viewing & finally, after everyone is done

she comes back with: THE BLUE SHIRT. (echo shirt 3times) the blue shirt, tie, & great big key ring attached to his wrist. TOUGH face

I'm really sorry, sir, I was really just (all Ps: shut the fuck up, he's not going to get it either - just LEAVE - he hates you - WFT?!) ...

TOUGH GUY (shaking his head): No, no, that's not a problem (exhales harshly 2let me know he's the manager (& his penis is small)) #dontsayit

he puts the key in the drawer, turns it like a man, opens it, and i sit up in my seat, ready to receive the $1 & get my fuckin COKE

well, he didn't slide the dollar out of that far right compartment. no he did not. and i didn't get a dollar, either. you knwo what he did?

He extracted the drawer from the maching & held it up with one had like a tray of drinks (cuz that's the cool way) & said: Just have to ...

ZERO - OUT- THE - DRAWER (insert any arrangement of screams or sound effects for every part of every screamy or sound effecty movie here)

NOOOOO! so immediately, i prepare to drive off and say, OMG! no, no, that's so unnecessary, you know waht, you can keep the dollar! its ok!

and HE SAYS: "we just can't GIVE money away around here." ... ... wait. what?

after that HARD silence of all eight of my coming to a complete halt in every single way... ... ... ...

... .... ... ... ... did he just say that?

*UPROAR of crazy me(s): OH NO HE DID NOT! u wait right there & WATCH him count that fuckin drawer if it takes a WEEK, what the f - who the –

"Nope, that's ok, we need to make sure that she (points to poor thing) doesnt' get in trouble.* (i'm still saying KEEP THE FKN DOLLAR!)

Mini Penis: Here's what you can do. I'm gonna have you pull out and park, it'll just take me a minute & i'll have someone bring your food

i ordered fries with my coke because i just finished and ice cream and i needed some salt. #randominsert

This guy is NOT going to let me bail bczu he thinks i'm ripping him off. Is this seriously happening? for a coke. my favorite coke

so i pull around, park my fuckin car and imagining how nice it would be to actually SEE the look on Mini Penis' face when he saw that:

ONE. DOLLAR. and those TWO. PENNIES. ...prick. he'd look at the slip, look at the total on the CALCULATOR, look at the slip, look at the...

shockingly enough, he personally delivered my coke & my fries with my one dollar & must have kept the 2 cents as his tip. I said thank you.

i apologized again, very politely, and as I pulled out of the parking lot, sipping my delicious, perfect coke, all the drama faded away...

but inside my head all the Ps were looking out the back window, flipping the bird & screaming profanities, & telling him he had a tiny penis

and i just drank my coke

hi guys!

*sips coke*

and now, instead of working late, i'm going to go home & give my munchie a bath & put a dollar aside for the next donation cup i see :)

and then i'll be back to respond to all of you. cuz i fuckin LOVE you guys *awww* my little tweep family <3 <3

___________________time lapse______________________

ready for this?! lmao i so deserve this for my name calling to Mini Penis. just left studio, got in car, was instantly surrounded w people

or rather, other cars who want my space (behind Bear Brew friday nite). i leave, someone wins, i pull out and suddenly realize: wait4it...!

i forgot my coke.

and it'll take a n hour to get a space again (ok, fine, a few minutes but fuck. seriously? ...FUCK!)

... ... ... *feeling defeated* i'd rather go home & bathe & tuck in my rascal

fuckin coke

*fades out* END SCENE

Just for the record, my McDs supporting friends, I was in NO way making fun of the girl bcuz she couldnt make change. I WAS confusing...
However, the scene did NOT need to go down like it did. And it wouldn've HELPED if she had know a wee bit more. it was more MiniPenis GRRR

·  but an adventure, for sure :) haha what are we doing, anyway? HI! laying on heating pad. not drugs...yet. Happy almost Mom's Day, moms!

My Friends responding:

that was the best Twitter story ever! Intrigue! Mystery! Suspense! Drama!! Delicious coke!! 5 stars.
I would have thanked him for performing his McJob so well for being a pillar in the McCommunity and wasting my McFuckingTime

LMAO I love you, you have been great entertainment tonight.

I need to send you a McDonalds gift card! I beginning to think you're a coke addict......

Standing Ovation!

I LOVE your mcdonalds story

Louise. That's just one great fucking big Tweet rant. I do hope 1 of 8 at least pulled her t-shirt and showed them.

McD's fountain coke is the best. Period. End of sentence. No contest.

I finally found the 1st tweet about your McD rant. I'm so going to dig in to this and read them all.

That's your dinner? A Coke and fries?

Mcd's is finding it tough to make a buck these days. LITERALLY!

This is hilarious! Man, I wish we'd met.

Well done. I wouldn't have left without my dollar either. :-))) I needed that story BTW thanks.

yikes. Was she at least cute?

and I LOVE giving them a penny when the change is 26 or 76, they get all confused it's great!

what is wrong with people, i want to say 'do your Fing job & don't be bitchy with me!'

Americans need to start demanding more qualified humans as cashiers.

That was fun, huh?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I am a single mom to a four year old boy.  He is quite literally, my life.

My 60 year old father is really the only male influence he has that is remotely positive as his actual father, who lives two towns over, spends an obligatory 4-8 hours a week with Ashton, and Ashton views his “Donor” as a weekly playdate, for the most part.

From the time Ashton was almost one until he was about 2 ½, he and I lived with my best friend, also a single mother at the time, with three little girls.  My sister, until this year, had two girls, and my 60 year old mother is his full time childcare provider when I’m working.

I started him in preschool this past September so that he could socialize with other children his age, and he goes every Tuesday and Thursday for two and a half hours.  I always have thought that his was smart, but only because he is mine and because I really have no frame of reference.  I’m not used to boys nor am I aware of what you are or are not supposed to know at four years old and quite honestly, I don’t care.  I do the best I can to make sure that Ashton gets a explanation for his WHYs and I teach him things as they apply to our life or our toys…
His teachers are floored by the things that he knows and tell me his is “brilliant” when I pick him up after school, always giving me an example of something he said that they just cannot believe came from a boy his age.  The latest story just the other day was how truly awed both of his teachers were when he told them that ON and NO had the same letters but made two different words if you “flip flopped” them.  These are the types of things I hear that make me think I’m doing alright as a parent.  He does have an impeccable memory, and everything in our lives is a song or has a beat… music is our mnemonic device for just about everything.  And he’s very musical, therefore, the ability to retain information is comes very naturally to him. He’s been recognizing two and three letter words for at least a year, and now reads sentences and BOB books with expression, which yes, DOES blow my mind a bit.  We’ve just recently been practicing the Leap Frog “jingle”

“Silent “e” makes the first vowel say its’ name… (example) take “can,” add “e,” and you’ve got “CANE!””

But…it’s because he thinks it’s fun to sit in front of the refrigerator and make words in the little Leap Frog word game…phonics.  Phonics is everything.  And I think music is an enormously valuable tool for learning and for teaching.

Thus far, I have given you this information not because I want to brag about my kid.  Throw in trains, Hotwheels, playing outside, swimming, open gym, the bank, grocery store, a trampoline, a sandbox, and some random externalities that are always changing, Ashton’s life is very routine and hopefully predictable in a comforting and expectable way…

All of the latter being said, I promised myself when it came down to just the two of us, that I would always try and be as honest as I can to his age at the time of his question.  I don’ t want him to know of violence in the world because he’s FOUR.  I’ve always called his penis a penis, I made that Coexist video because it’s important to me and I want it to be important to him.  When he asks me why people are different or he notices people with handicaps, I tell it like it is because I think he deserves that. 

In my opinion, I don’t think that my four year old needs to know that we’re at war and people are dying and building weapons of mass destruction.  Yet, after the Haiti earthquake and then all the others around the world, we watched the old and new “We Are the World” videos and I told him that the artists came together to try and raise money for people whose houses had been blown over.  I explained that there were injuries and that all people should always help all people because they needed food and water and shelter and all people deserve those things.

There is your background:

Tonight we were driving home from my best friend’s house and from the backseat he said,

“Mommy, what does “arrested” mean?”

For a fraction of a second, I was already starting to answer… but then I stopped when my brain started getting ahead of my mouth and I realized that this was going to be much harder than before that second had started. 

Policeman.  Ok.  A policeman in Ashton’s world…
…drives a police car.  
…the car has a siren.
…he can make a fine siren sound.
…there usually are no actual policemen in any of those vehicles because they are Hotwheels, hence they would have to be about the size of an ant.

The only conflicts Ashton really deals with outside of battling with me are the conflicts that Dora, Diego, and Sesame Street face, and quite honestly, he is sometimes upset with them until we sit down together and wait for the characters to solve the problem.  I usually try and relate the conflict to our life at some point beyond that, especially if he’s really upset, but nothing is ever devastating.  He’d just much rather…play outside.  He doesn’t’ see any other television outside of toddler television unless I let him watch Animal Planet or the Doppler Radar. Haha

Also, keep in mind that he has generally only ever played with girls, and because he was the only boy in those circumstances, the girls were typically psyched to center their worlds around him and play with the boy toys.

He has no police-like vocabulary.  If you said you were going to shoot him with your gun, he would most likely say,

“OK, but don’t squirt me in the eye…”

…because water comes out of guns…not bullets.  And he probably has no idea what a bullet is.  And in addition to bullet, you can throw in all other criminally related paraphernalia… including “criminal.”

So…what does “arrested” mean…?

i have no idea.

“well, pal, when people break the law, policemen arrest them.”

Shit.  That sucked.

“But what is arrested, Mama?”

“Well, the policemen put handcuffs on bad guys’ wrists like this (wrists crossed out in front pose while I drive) so they can’t run away and them to jail when they break the law.”

He gave me a confused look in the rear view mirror which made me feel like I’d done even worse at this second attempt…
I stayed quiet for a second until his look subsided.

“What’s are handcuffs?”

“Welp…they are um…(feel free to place “Um” anywhere from here until the end because there were a million of them)…these metal circle things nice, Amanda…NICE that you lock around…am I saying this? someone’s wrists so they can’t get away.  uhhh, a bad guy’s wrists.

I’m pretty sure that in his 4yr old head was a reaction along the lines of, “…lock around someone’s wrists? Are you fuckin’ kidding me right now?”

OK.  So this is where I need you all to join me in stepping outside the box for a second and crawl into the car with me and sit in the passenger seat and pretend that you are telling someone for the first time what it means to break the law, get arrested, and go to jail.

“Well,” he asked after a moment of thought, “what’s is jail?”

insert sound of bomb as it descends from the sky and BOOM! explodes as I sink deeper and deeper…


“Jail is a…big place…a big…building fuck fuck fuck where the policemen take the bad guys actually, Amanda not everyone who gets arrested is a bad guy but whatever and they…um…”

OK. OK, person in the passenger seat. Finish that sentence…go on, finish that sentence!!

“…they…stay in a room…because they didn’t follow the rules and um…they have to stay there…for –“

I have no idea how this happens but within the next second, he had a stream of actual tears falling down his cheeks, the outside light reflecting off his welled up eyes, magnifying and deepening the innocent brightest blue you’ve ever seen in your life within his perfect world as I crushed and stomped all over it.


As he blinks out more tears,

“You mean they can’t ever come home?” OMG what have I done? “And then I’ll have NO ONE?!”

“OH NO, baby! OH NO!” I’m reaching in the back seat as we come up Waterworks Hill to grab his hand and GO GO GADGET ARM to wipe his waterfall of tears into my hand of fucking regret. “MOMMY isn’t going to jail! I will never let my registration run out 6 months ago again and I will never speed and I will never lie cheat steal drink drug Mommies don’t go to jail, honey, yes they do – um hello? Casey Anthony psycho mom shut up shut up only bad people…drowning drowning, grabbing for straws you suck! You suck! Really REALLY bad people, sweetie.  No one in our family your father doesn’t count is ever going to go to jail, honey. “

Am I setting him up for failure? Should he already know that these things exist? Remember a few years ago when he was still in the stroller on Halloween and the SoANDSo family came to trick or treat with one of the girls and their little boy (who was 5 at the time) was all decked out in his camo gear with a camouflage painted face and an enormous machine gun and he was speaking in his KILLER voice and pointing and shooting everyone in the kitchen.  My GOD I was MORTIFIED!! but now should I be questioning my self? Why would I just randomly TEACH him that? I wouldn’t!
Should I be thinking about him playing with his friends and being arrested in a traffic stop role play? Would he freak out? Play along? Ask what the fuck his friend is doing when someone attempts to pretend handcuff or shoot him?  Should he know how to pretend DIE when shot at?  I’m HORRIFIED at the thought of my child being aware of ANY OF THAT! Or what if all the other children all know and Ashton has to ask himself WHY he’s the only kid that has NO CLUE what the hell is going on? Am I setting him up for feeling inferior amongst his peers?
I’ve told him about dying and death as he has asked here and there and I guess I’ve been as honest as I know how to be…but natural death.  And actually, I don’t fuckin’ know what happens when you die, so no, I didn’t move on from the initial inquisition and start listing off the ways people die, especially not at the hands of another human with this THING that shoots little THINGS out if it that penetrate your skin and you bleed out or you just instantly fall to the ground and your life is OVER? WHAT AM I SAYING?


I.             AM. MORTIFIED.

“…really REALLY bad people, honey,…”

He interjects my regretful and repetitive attempt at recovery with a question of hope.

“Oh, like people who speed?”


I go on to attempt to answer the rest of his questions including but not limited to laws and why we have them in relation to rules and why Mommy has them, that policemen are in charge of making sure that everyone follows those rules, and as a result of breaking those rules ADULTS ONLY get handcuffed and locked up in a room in a place for an amount of time directly related to their “breaking of the rules (so I wouldn’t have to define CRIME).”

As we turn down our street, the car is quiet.  Ashton has GOT to be confused and tormented with inner turmoil.  Did she just tell me that we tie people’s hands together and lock them up in a room all by themselves?  People DO that to other people?  I don’t understand this. That’s absurd. Completely wild and whacked and crazy…wait. What?!

I just made him cry.  I ruined his image of man.  Now we are violent toward one another and we lock each other up. That must be so scary to hear and weird and backwards and FUCKED UP. What now? Should I be saying something? How do I make it better I hate myself I hate myself…

And then it was as if one of my other personalities just couldn’t even STAND how friggin’ stupid I had been.  I took a deep breath in as the reality of the simplicity formed in my find and I could feel  my eyes widen with the epiphany as if I were looking directly at It and I couldn’t believe my eyes because I actually couldn’t believe what was behind them.  I caught him off guard slightly as I abruptly scared him out of his confusion as I turned the car into our driveway.

“ASHTON!  MOMMY JUST REALIZED WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! Oh, honey, I am so sorry I upset you.  It is just an idea that is very hard to explain, but I think I just thought of something that will help make it easier to understand.”

He just looked at me…doubt in his eyes.

“Getting arrested for breaking the rules and going to jail? Do you want to know what all of that REALLY is?”

As we pull into the garage, “What, Mama?”

I put the car in park, praying that this epiphany would pull me from the depths of defeat and make it easier and less harsh and less overwhelming and less soul crushing to my little boy. 

I unbuckled my seatbelt and turned around to look at him.  I reached back and I took his hand and while applying some ease and with a sense of petrified hopes for relief, I said,

“It’s a grown-up TIME OUT.”

He looked at me and I saw the faintest glimpse of a smile as he thought for a moment.  He brightened exponentially as he mentally pieced the puzzle together, as it finally resembled a puzzle with a few missing pieces based solely on age as opposed to a scattered mass of “holy shit” all over the table and he looked back at me.  His eyes said it all.  And all that came from his mouth as he reassured me and connected to me with his mind was,


I turned back around, closed my eyes, let out a huge sigh of relief, turned the key in the ignition, shutting off the car, and held back tears at the fear of every scaring him in any of the ways that I just had in a five minute trip home from my best friends house.

And there is so much more…

…it sure is scary…

…this world…

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

...i wrote this when i was either 26 or 27...i didn't date the entry, but it was following the demise of the best relationship i've ever had to this day...


FOUR things you cannot recover in life * The stone AFTER its thrown * The word AFTER its said * The occasion AFTER its missed * The time AFTER its gone.

I am a girl.  

There are some things only girls know and do.

I am writing as a girl.  I am writing as a person with a heart.  I am writing from experience.  I am writing as a girlfriend.  I am writing as an ex-girlfriend.  I am writing as a young lover.  I am writing as a scorned lover.  And naturally, I am writing because if you want to know girl drama, I'm the Encyclopedia Brittanica.  NOT because i possess the qualities but because if I haven't lived them, survived, conquered, escaped, avoided, or longed for them, I’ve been a shoulder, an abettor, or a supporter of another girl who has.  I could write a SLEW of novels about the women I have encountered and been close with in my life and travels...some with the saddest and most horrifying stories I have ever heard, and some with little less than a fairy tale...

Am I claiming to be an expert on life?  No. I am a student of life.  I am a student of behavior, and I believe that I to watch more closely than the average person.

I always wanted to be a psychologist.  I studied psychology early and wanted to counsel children, until my father set up a meeting for me during my senior year in high school.  With as much respect as I had for the psychologist that I met with, it became clear during my time with him that in order to counsel children through life, you had to separate emotion completely from every child and most importantly, he told me, "you have to be able to leave it all at the office when you go home..."

Out the window with psychology...separate emotion? I can't save every kid from a bad life and take them home with me?  I can't cry about their hardships when they leave?  I can't adopt all those who have been neglected? 

Therefore, many years later, I do my best to capture the innocence of their useful souls with my camera and hope that I somehow preserve a time in their lives that they can look back on and cherish...

(who, me? off subject? yes, of course. it's called a tangent and there will be a million of them by the time i finish...i'll apologize now. it's important to me that you understand WHY i say the things that I say...)

Anyhow, i continued to read the books.  I still do. Psychology, reality, spirituality.  I am not religious.  I do not know why we are here and I don't find one "God" different than the other.  I think that church, bibles, and religion are tools for some people to use as a guide to their lives.  None are tools for me.  I learn about life from people.  I don't know if we are tiny particles of mass and energy or if there is some divinity and purpose, so...i live.  I try and understand how to structure my life based all the externalities of my little tiny world.  That is my church.  I learn from every experience and I make mistakes.  I fall down, and sometimes I don't WANT to get up.  Sometimes I repeat mistakes.  Sometimes I learn a lesson.  Sometimes i fuck up. Sometimes I do well.  All of these things form the conglomerate that is my church.  

Life is HARD...

I exist.  We are all just doing the best that we can.  The forces of good and evil exist, but i believe most things are choices. 

I don't ever want ANYone in my life to look back & think that I wasn't honest or to ever have a reason to resent something that I did.  I've had honesty backfire on me.  And sure, it sucked.  But i stayed true to myself.  And I continue to strive for this daily. I try and recognize inner turmoil in others.

Have you ever made the choice to "settle" for it - to save the heart of another?  You know it's not right, yet you have a heart of gold.  It means only that you really truly just DONT want to hurt someone.  Do you live with and love a girl, yet you just don’t want to be with her forever?  You really want to break it off but you really don’t have a reason outside of a feeling inside that it isn’t going to be forever?  

Living together is a much bigger deal to a girl than to a boy. But it is still in itself, a big deal, and a huge pain in the ass.  But you do care for her and love her and respect the things that she has done for you. Those are the things that matter the most.  

The reality? There MAY be one or two people that see and appreciate your truths, but in the end, you will be the bad guy, the enemy, the idiot, the guy who was stupid enough to throw away the "best thing he ever had."

THUS begins... "the CYCLE"

Let me guess.  Is there a lack of affection? Mostly on your part (the boy)? Little desire?  These factors obviously make a large contribution to your feelings about the relationship.  Well guess what? It gets worse.  These things  don’t matter to her like they do to you.  The things that you think she will eventually seek and find elsewhere?  She thinks those circumstances will change WITHIN and between the two of you, not from someone else in her life.  She knows that you are very special and she will continue to do right by try and MAKE those feelings come back.  And that will go on and on...far past the day that you ever break up with her.  It could take years…

I am not calling you naive.  I am not calling you a wimp or a pussy.  I am not calling you anything, really.  But i am definitely going to TELL you that all of the things that you fear and all of the things that you are trying to avoid (sorry for this part) - they are all true and they are probably all going to happen - because you are a boy and she is a girl and that's the way it goes.  

Do i think it's right? No. Do i think it's necessarily fair? No.  Do i think it sucks even more because you are NOT at ALL what you will end up being portrayed as? Of course it sucks.  The whole THING sucks.  Breaking up SUCKS.  And I'm going to get crazy here, because THIS WAS me - the more time that goes by...the more you KNOW that it's something that you don't want but you let it go...the CLOSER she will get to thinking you are going to get her:

(insert drum roll here)
A.   RING.

(wait for screams to stop)

I KNOW that's AWFUL to say, but after a few years, every Xmas, every V's Day, every birthday, or anniversary or whatEVER, is in the back of her mind. And if it isn't, her friends will be asking her. Her family will ask her.  Someone may say it out loud in the presence of both of you someday and you will feel SICK to your stomach knowing that it's the last thing you want.  And THEN when you finally break it off because you can't BELIEVE these people are talking about marriage, you'll be more of an asshole than you would have been initially.  And that SUCKS because all you were every trying to do was protect someone's heart from pain.

stage one: break up

it's fuckin HARD. and no one gives a shit that it's hard for YOU because YOU are the heartbreaker,  not the broken hearted.  You have a penis, so even if it was an agreed upon and amicable separation (she was lying, by the way) you DUMPED her. you dumped her? what are you crazy? look at her! she's a knockout! 
oh yeah. as unfortunate as it is, there are THAT many people in this life that think that is what matters.  sad. but true.  she is beautiful.  so is angelina jolie. who fuckin' cares.

but this just goes to show that most everyone is going to have some sort of opinion or something to say about why or what you were thinking, even though CLEARLY, it's absolutely no one else's business.  as unfortunate as this is to say, it will amazingly become "EVERYONE's" business.

she will then proceed to extract pretty much everything she possibly can from your house.  she'll purposely try and leave behind gifts that you gave her, and take back the gifts that she bought for you.  she may trash pictures and take down curtains and go through boxes of xmas ornaments. ANYTHING to show that if you are willing to let it all go, you will have NOTHING to show that it ever existed.  This is a hard stage for a girl.  anger. feeling completely rejected.  it sucks.  she will cry - A LOT.  she will start planning how to play you - how to hurt you like you hurt her.  If she is from a good family, she will cry to them, run to them in her state of devastation and no matter what, they will always and rightfully so, be pissed at you too.  forever.  that's their little girl and you broke her heart.  it doesnt matter why.  

you have now crossed into enemy territory.  they will hug her and tell her you don't deserve her and ask questions like "well did he SAY anything?" or "did something HAPPEN?" and she'll say NO because nothing DID happen.  
i KNOW that you would love to be able to say that there was this enORMous eruption and you screamed at each other and had a huge fight and finally someone screamed "It's OVER! i can't DO this anymore!!" and you took that as a one way ticket and BAM! - escape.  But actually, even if that WAS to happen, it will be seen as "just a fight" and if you say "i know, but i'm sick of fighting" of "i know, but i'm still done with this," you're still going to be the same asshole as if you had just broke it off "for no reason" so all you are doing by "waiting for THE fight" is extending your time in a place where you don't want to be.

Or better yet, maybe someone will catch her attention and she'll cheat on you or something and then you won't have to do a damn thing but close the door when she leaves.
But actually, she thinks you walk on water, so that actually ISNT going to happen either…

It just really ISNT.  

The best line will come when you are told through tears and the inability to breathe, that she has nowhere to go.  Oh yeah, and “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?” 

Or the worst: “WHAT DID I DO?”

You will never be able to escape this.  It will happen and you WILL be asked. That is because you are the heart BREAKer and you caused all of this and you are taking EVERYTHING away from her that she knows.  Not just a boyfriend and the love of her life.  You are taking her home, her comfort, all that she loves and did for you, her friends...

It will never be easy.  What you are waiting for is not going to come. You know this is true.  You just dont' feel like dealing with it.  Because it sucks.  

And it DOES suck. 

It happens in every relationship.

(ok, fine, a LOT of them)

stage two: it must be someone else

Next everyone will start to wonder if it is because you are cheating or at least WANT to.  She AND her friends will try and keep track of you, if she has a key, she WILL use it if she didn't make a copy already.  And NO GUY ever thinks that will happen. No, she wouldn't do that.  
A broken hearted woman will do ANYTHING to find an excuse as to WHY or HOW her man could have fallen OUT of love with her.  It's like a feeling of UNREST because they refuse to accept that it just HAPPENED.  And the nice guy is saying the whole time, "i just don't feel in love. it's forced, etc, and i don't want to hurt you but it's not going to change" and all the girl will ever hear is "i either fucked someone else, i WANT to, or i'm gay."  

So they search.  

Some girls eat. Some girls don’t. 

Scenario 1

And then when the non-eaters slim down to that look they KNOW you won’t be able to resist, they find that excuse to “stop by” for something they forgot.  She flaunts it.  You like what you see. 

Really?  You really had sex with her? 

Yeah, you did.

And even though the guy KNOWS AS he's doing it that nothing has changed, he does it anyway. And the girl? Oh yeah, she DOES think it’s her ticket back in.  You won’t be able to refuse her now.  And you LOVE her…

THAT is when he becomes a dickhead for real and the girl just becomes stupid.

Scenario 2

When she looks hot a month after you dump her because she lost weight beCAUSE you ruined her life, she'll want you to see it.  She'll want to look good. She could even say she needs to TALK to you because she really DOES think that you can be friends.  And you say yes, because most everyone in your life with the exception of a few people, have made you feel like you OWE it to her for ripping her heart out and smashing it to the ground.  But all you ever were was honest. The girl primps herself, meets you for dinner or shows up, looking FINE, skinny, beautiful, and everyone in her life has either convinced her that you are not going to be able to resist her and you MISS her and you're all alone and you're totally going to want her back (girls DO THIS shit) or you will sleep with her and then when you don't take her back after THAT, ohhhh boy, how COULD you?!

(because apparently the girls have no part in the sex or the pathetic aspect of putting out)

EVERYTHING is done to make the girl the victim.  
You will never be the victim.  

And the first second you show up with someone else, or someone hears of you dating someone else, or you are SEEN with someone else, yup, there is the proof everyone has been waiting for.  It doesn’t matter if you met her at the grocery store six months later, you're still with someone else before she is so you're an asshole. 

stage three: girls unite

When girls get together, you will always lose.  They may even start a club to seek out your every move.  Yup. Girls can start clubs in their twenties. When they feel as though they are protecting their friend, they'll go to the ends of the earth.  They will give her pep talks to hate you, pep talks to stalk you, pep talks to find someone else, fuck someone else, move, slash your tires, break into your GOD, girls are brutal.  I don't know HOW many times i've had to drive the getaway car for some disastrous broken hearted girlfriend, or go to someone's ex and try and TALK or deliver the rest of "his shit" or drop a letter at the door, or drive by and see if anyone else's car is in his driveway...

It will happen. All or part of it. Girls don't like to feel rejected.  It's what spawns their evil ways. It fuels them.   It wasn’t just highschool. It’s still going…it gets worse as you get older because factors such as cohabitation and large populations creep in as factors that didn’t exist when you were teenagers.

Age and "maturity" and time? They change NOTHING.  This took me WAY too long to learn.  If i can save someone else, maybe i'll have felt as though i made some sort of contribution.  This is SUCH a blog post (minus the specifics, of course). Because it's UNIVERSAL.  

Why is it that i feel it's necessary to tell you all of these horrible things? 

Because it may give a girl a reason to save herself from the drama.  

It was years before I could admit to myself as well as to anyone else that the “love of my life” was just trying to do right by me.  We wanted different things out of life.  He was giving me the chance to have what I wanted out of my life by dumping me. And yet, he wasn't (and SHOULDNT have been) willing to give up what he wanted in order for either one of us to get it.  That's HUGE to me now.  But some people never see it.  I feel blessed and thankful that I was able to learn from others and from my experiences that i needed to get my shit together and face my own demons.  And it really hasnt' been that long since i did that.  

And i still have friends that bitch every time i see them (which i will never understand) about HIM this and HE that.  And they are grown, married, and have kids with someone else! AhhhH! it's pure craziness, i tell you. 

I’m not going to sugar coat it and tell you that none of it will happen because it will. Friends give friends "tough love" in my world.  Honesty DOES matter to some people. 

Now i'm going to switch sides for a minute because I also know the inner battles that contain the "should i stay or should i go now?" (i had to do the song title - it was way too tempting to avoid)


Things I’ve said that you may be saying too…

"i fucking hate him but I'm going to look like a douchebag to my parents and his after everything my PARENTS have done...for HIM." i was definitely more concerned about my parents opinion of my and the guilt was because they had done so much to help us - and then i just wanted him to get the hell out...that killed me.


"Well, i  can't stand him but maybe it's just a bad week."

"He is completely in love with me. What if i break his heart and then change my mind when the grass isn't greener. Maybe I just need to be away from him for a little while to realize that i want him...or see if i want him. But then what if he doesn't want ME then...fine. i'll just stay..."

"I can't fuckin' stand him most of the time but when it's good, we have fun...sometimes..."

and yes, i've even done

"it's better than being alone..."

It's life.  It's human nature. It's never fun when you are faced with any type of relationship that you just realize that you arent' happy in anymore.  I have gone through that with my girlfriends too.  What no one seems to ever take into consideration is that just because you are the person who ends the relationship, doesn’t mean you don't experience some kind of do.  

Separating the silverware - this is yours, this is mine...ugh.  It's all just stuff, but when you add the emotion, it's just HARD.  It's hard for everyone. It's heartbreaking for everyone.  It has an effect on families and friends...what are you going to say when you bump into Whoever at Wherever and they ask how she is...all the  pictures.

the hassle,

the drama...


Do yourself a favor.

Try. Truth.