blot [blot] Show IPA noun, verb, blot⋅ted, blot⋅ting.
1. a spot or stain, esp. of ink on paper.
2. a blemish on a person's character or reputation.
THIS IS NOT A BLOG.
THIS IS MY BLOT.
I AM RARELY BRIEF.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
...i wrote this when i was either 26 or 27...i didn't date the entry, but it was following the demise of the best relationship i've ever had to this day...
FOUR things you cannot recover in life * The stone AFTER its thrown * The word AFTER its said * The occasion AFTER its missed * The time AFTER its gone.
I am writing as a girl. I am writing as a person with a heart. I am writing from experience. I am writing as a girlfriend. I am writing as an ex-girlfriend. I am writing as a young lover. I am writing as a scorned lover. And naturally, I am writing because if you want to know girl drama, I'm the Encyclopedia Brittanica. NOT because i possess the qualities but because if I haven't lived them, survived, conquered, escaped, avoided, or longed for them, I’ve been a shoulder, an abettor, or a supporter of another girl who has. I could write a SLEW of novels about the women I have encountered and been close with in my life and travels...some with the saddest and most horrifying stories I have ever heard, and some with little less than a fairy tale...
Am I claiming to be an expert on life? No. I am a student of life. I am a student of behavior, and I believe that I to watch more closely than the average person.
I always wanted to be a psychologist. I studied psychology early and wanted to counsel children, until my father set up a meeting for me during my senior year in high school. With as much respect as I had for the psychologist that I met with, it became clear during my time with him that in order to counsel children through life, you had to separate emotion completely from every child and most importantly, he told me, "you have to be able to leave it all at the office when you go home..."
Out the window with psychology...separate emotion? I can't save every kid from a bad life and take them home with me? I can't cry about their hardships when they leave? I can't adopt all those who have been neglected?
Therefore, many years later, I do my best to capture the innocence of their useful souls with my camera and hope that I somehow preserve a time in their lives that they can look back on and cherish...
(who, me? off subject? yes, of course. it's called a tangent and there will be a million of them by the time i finish...i'll apologize now. it's important to me that you understand WHY i say the things that I say...)
Anyhow, i continued to read the books. I still do. Psychology, reality, spirituality. I am not religious. I do not know why we are here and I don't find one "God" different than the other. I think that church, bibles, and religion are tools for some people to use as a guide to their lives. None are tools for me. I learn about life from people. I don't know if we are tiny particles of mass and energy or if there is some divinity and purpose, so...i live. I try and understand how to structure my life based all the externalities of my little tiny world. That is my church. I learn from every experience and I make mistakes. I fall down, and sometimes I don't WANT to get up. Sometimes I repeat mistakes. Sometimes I learn a lesson. Sometimes i fuck up. Sometimes I do well. All of these things form the conglomerate that is my church.
Life is HARD...
I exist. We are all just doing the best that we can. The forces of good and evil exist, but i believe most things are choices.
I don't ever want ANYone in my life to look back & think that I wasn't honest or to ever have a reason to resent something that I did. I've had honesty backfire on me. And sure, it sucked. But i stayed true to myself. And I continue to strive for this daily. I try and recognize inner turmoil in others.
Have you ever made the choice to "settle" for it - to save the heart of another? You know it's not right, yet you have a heart of gold. It means only that you really truly just DONT want to hurt someone. Do you live with and love a girl, yet you just don’t want to be with her forever? You really want to break it off but you really don’t have a reason outside of a feeling inside that it isn’t going to be forever?
Living together is a much bigger deal to a girl than to a boy. But it is still in itself, a big deal, and a huge pain in the ass. But you do care for her and love her and respect the things that she has done for you. Those are the things that matter the most.
The reality? There MAY be one or two people that see and appreciate your truths, but in the end, you will be the bad guy, the enemy, the idiot, the guy who was stupid enough to throw away the "best thing he ever had."
THUS begins... "the CYCLE"
Let me guess. Is there a lack of affection? Mostly on your part (the boy)? Little desire? These factors obviously make a large contribution to your feelings about the relationship. Well guess what? It gets worse. These things don’t matter to her like they do to you. The things that you think she will eventually seek and find elsewhere? She thinks those circumstances will change WITHIN and between the two of you, not from someone else in her life. She knows that you are very special and she will continue to do right by you...to try and MAKE those feelings come back. And that will go on and on...far past the day that you ever break up with her. It could take years…
I am not calling you naive. I am not calling you a wimp or a pussy. I am not calling you anything, really. But i am definitely going to TELL you that all of the things that you fear and all of the things that you are trying to avoid (sorry for this part) - they are all true and they are probably all going to happen - because you are a boy and she is a girl and that's the way it goes.
Do i think it's right? No. Do i think it's necessarily fair? No. Do i think it sucks even more because you are NOT at ALL what you will end up being portrayed as? Of course it sucks. The whole THING sucks. Breaking up SUCKS. And I'm going to get crazy here, because THIS WAS me - the more time that goes by...the more you KNOW that it's something that you don't want but you let it go...the CLOSER she will get to thinking you are going to get her:
(insert drum roll here)
(wait for screams to stop)
I KNOW that's AWFUL to say, but after a few years, every Xmas, every V's Day, every birthday, or anniversary or whatEVER, is in the back of her mind. And if it isn't, her friends will be asking her. Her family will ask her. Someone may say it out loud in the presence of both of you someday and you will feel SICK to your stomach knowing that it's the last thing you want. And THEN when you finally break it off because you can't BELIEVE these people are talking about marriage, you'll be more of an asshole than you would have been initially. And that SUCKS because all you were every trying to do was protect someone's heart from pain.
stage one: break up
it's fuckin HARD. and no one gives a shit that it's hard for YOU because YOU are the heartbreaker, not the broken hearted. You have a penis, so even if it was an agreed upon and amicable separation (she was lying, by the way) you DUMPED her. you dumped her? what are you crazy? look at her! she's a knockout!
oh yeah. as unfortunate as it is, there are THAT many people in this life that think that is what matters. sad. but true. she is beautiful. so is angelina jolie. who fuckin' cares.
but this just goes to show that most everyone is going to have some sort of opinion or something to say about why or what you were thinking, even though CLEARLY, it's absolutely no one else's business. as unfortunate as this is to say, it will amazingly become "EVERYONE's" business.
she will then proceed to extract pretty much everything she possibly can from your house. she'll purposely try and leave behind gifts that you gave her, and take back the gifts that she bought for you. she may trash pictures and take down curtains and go through boxes of xmas ornaments. ANYTHING to show that if you are willing to let it all go, you will have NOTHING to show that it ever existed. This is a hard stage for a girl. anger. feeling completely rejected. it sucks. she will cry - A LOT. she will start planning how to play you - how to hurt you like you hurt her. If she is from a good family, she will cry to them, run to them in her state of devastation and no matter what, they will always and rightfully so, be pissed at you too. forever. that's their little girl and you broke her heart. it doesnt matter why.
you have now crossed into enemy territory. they will hug her and tell her you don't deserve her and ask questions like "well did he SAY anything?" or "did something HAPPEN?" and she'll say NO because nothing DID happen.
i KNOW that you would love to be able to say that there was this enORMous eruption and you screamed at each other and had a huge fight and finally someone screamed "It's OVER! i can't DO this anymore!!" and you took that as a one way ticket and BAM! - escape. But actually, even if that WAS to happen, it will be seen as "just a fight" and if you say "i know, but i'm sick of fighting" of "i know, but i'm still done with this," you're still going to be the same asshole as if you had just broke it off "for no reason" so all you are doing by "waiting for THE fight" is extending your time in a place where you don't want to be.
Or better yet, maybe someone will catch her attention and she'll cheat on you or something and then you won't have to do a damn thing but close the door when she leaves.
But actually, she thinks you walk on water, so that actually ISNT going to happen either…
It just really ISNT.
The best line will come when you are told through tears and the inability to breathe, that she has nowhere to go. Oh yeah, and “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?”
Or the worst: “WHAT DID I DO?”
You will never be able to escape this. It will happen and you WILL be asked. That is because you are the heart BREAKer and you caused all of this and you are taking EVERYTHING away from her that she knows. Not just a boyfriend and the love of her life. You are taking her home, her comfort, all that she loves and did for you, her friends...
It will never be easy. What you are waiting for is not going to come. You know this is true. You just dont' feel like dealing with it. Because it sucks.
And it DOES suck.
It happens in every relationship.
(ok, fine, a LOT of them)
stage two: it must be someone else
Next everyone will start to wonder if it is because you are cheating or at least WANT to. She AND her friends will try and keep track of you, if she has a key, she WILL use it if she didn't make a copy already. And NO GUY ever thinks that will happen. No, she wouldn't do that.
A broken hearted woman will do ANYTHING to find an excuse as to WHY or HOW her man could have fallen OUT of love with her. It's like a feeling of UNREST because they refuse to accept that it just HAPPENED. And the nice guy is saying the whole time, "i just don't feel in love. it's forced, etc, and i don't want to hurt you but it's not going to change" and all the girl will ever hear is "i either fucked someone else, i WANT to, or i'm gay."
So they search.
Some girls eat. Some girls don’t.
And then when the non-eaters slim down to that look they KNOW you won’t be able to resist, they find that excuse to “stop by” for something they forgot. She flaunts it. You like what you see.
Really? You really had sex with her?
Yeah, you did.
And even though the guy KNOWS AS he's doing it that nothing has changed, he does it anyway. And the girl? Oh yeah, she DOES think it’s her ticket back in. You won’t be able to refuse her now. And you LOVE her…
THAT is when he becomes a dickhead for real and the girl just becomes stupid.
When she looks hot a month after you dump her because she lost weight beCAUSE you ruined her life, she'll want you to see it. She'll want to look good. She could even say she needs to TALK to you because she really DOES think that you can be friends. And you say yes, because most everyone in your life with the exception of a few people, have made you feel like you OWE it to her for ripping her heart out and smashing it to the ground. But all you ever were was honest. The girl primps herself, meets you for dinner or shows up, looking FINE, skinny, beautiful, and everyone in her life has either convinced her that you are not going to be able to resist her and you MISS her and you're all alone and you're totally going to want her back (girls DO THIS shit) or you will sleep with her and then when you don't take her back after THAT, ohhhh boy, how COULD you?!
(because apparently the girls have no part in the sex or the pathetic aspect of putting out)
EVERYTHING is done to make the girl the victim.
You will never be the victim.
And the first second you show up with someone else, or someone hears of you dating someone else, or you are SEEN with someone else, yup, there is the proof everyone has been waiting for. It doesn’t matter if you met her at the grocery store six months later, you're still with someone else before she is so you're an asshole.
stage three: girls unite
When girls get together, you will always lose. They may even start a club to seek out your every move. Yup. Girls can start clubs in their twenties. When they feel as though they are protecting their friend, they'll go to the ends of the earth. They will give her pep talks to hate you, pep talks to stalk you, pep talks to find someone else, fuck someone else, move, slash your tires, break into your house...my GOD, girls are brutal. I don't know HOW many times i've had to drive the getaway car for some disastrous broken hearted girlfriend, or go to someone's ex and try and TALK or deliver the rest of "his shit" or drop a letter at the door, or drive by and see if anyone else's car is in his driveway...
It will happen. All or part of it. Girls don't like to feel rejected. It's what spawns their evil ways. It fuels them. It wasn’t just highschool. It’s still going…it gets worse as you get older because factors such as cohabitation and large populations creep in as factors that didn’t exist when you were teenagers.
Age and "maturity" and time? They change NOTHING. This took me WAY too long to learn. If i can save someone else, maybe i'll have felt as though i made some sort of contribution. This is SUCH a blog post (minus the specifics, of course). Because it's UNIVERSAL.
Why is it that i feel it's necessary to tell you all of these horrible things?
Because it may give a girl a reason to save herself from the drama.
It was years before I could admit to myself as well as to anyone else that the “love of my life” was just trying to do right by me. We wanted different things out of life. He was giving me the chance to have what I wanted out of my life by dumping me. And yet, he wasn't (and SHOULDNT have been) willing to give up what he wanted in order for either one of us to get it. That's HUGE to me now. But some people never see it. I feel blessed and thankful that I was able to learn from others and from my experiences that i needed to get my shit together and face my own demons. And it really hasnt' been that long since i did that.
And i still have friends that bitch every time i see them (which i will never understand) about HIM this and HE that. And they are grown, married, and have kids with someone else! AhhhH! it's pure craziness, i tell you.
I’m not going to sugar coat it and tell you that none of it will happen because it will. Friends give friends "tough love" in my world. Honesty DOES matter to some people.
Now i'm going to switch sides for a minute because I also know the inner battles that contain the "should i stay or should i go now?" (i had to do the song title - it was way too tempting to avoid)
Things I’ve said that you may be saying too…
"i fucking hate him but I'm going to look like a douchebag to my parents and his after everything my PARENTS have done...for HIM." i was definitely more concerned about my parents opinion of my and the guilt was because they had done so much to help us - and then i just wanted him to get the hell out...that killed me.
"Well, i can't stand him but maybe it's just a bad week."
"He is completely in love with me. What if i break his heart and then change my mind when the grass isn't greener. Maybe I just need to be away from him for a little while to realize that i want him...or see if i want him. But then what if he doesn't want ME then...fine. i'll just stay..."
"I can't fuckin' stand him most of the time but when it's good, we have fun...sometimes..."
and yes, i've even done
"it's better than being alone..."
It's life. It's human nature. It's never fun when you are faced with any type of relationship that you just realize that you arent' happy in anymore. I have gone through that with my girlfriends too. What no one seems to ever take into consideration is that just because you are the person who ends the relationship, doesn’t mean you don't experience some kind of loss...you do.
Separating the silverware - this is yours, this is mine...ugh. It's all just stuff, but when you add the emotion, it's just HARD. It's hard for everyone. It's heartbreaking for everyone. It has an effect on families and friends...what are you going to say when you bump into Whoever at Wherever and they ask how she is...all the pictures.