Monday, August 29, 2011

Silence of the Skunks

We're having a hurricane.

I have my bedroom window cracked (pretty amazing thing to listen to)& I'm laying in my bed. It's been a few hrs since we had electricity. It's a fierce, warm, storm and it takes loooooong breaths...
I'm emailing myself a list of things to do (talking amongst my personalities...among? Amongst? ...who cares)
Something outside, somewhere, starts to whistle a high C. The a few more whistles...same note every time, just inconsistent in occurrence and duration.
I stopped tapping the iPod screen to try and locate where or what it was coming from. All I could picture in my head was 'something' that have shifted outside, within the the vicinity of me and my neighbors, and was now in a position that created a sound as air passed through it or over it or whatever. And it was inconsistent bcuz the wind is inconsistent... Or ferociously inconsistent.
The only awareness I had of it after that for the next 30 seconds or so was simply the awareness of it's existence.

Then it happened.

With the next big gust that slid cleanly through the small crack in my bedroom window, came the oxygen deprived, hard, squint inducing smell...of a skunk. If I could have SEEN it, I would have wondered if I'd get out alive as the thick grossness ate away the air I had to breathe.

But THEN...

Just after the first blow (no pun intended omg that came outta nowhere good one amanda) (thanks), came the truth.


It's not a WHISTLE! It's the skunk!

Holy shit. It's SCREAMING. Oh my god it's dying. In a hurricane.

Now ALL the personalities come out:

- awww, the poor skunk, he's probably scared
- ew, gross
- aww, I hope he dies soon
- it smells
- (imagines a hurricane rescue of the screaming, dying skunk. I'm dressed like Diego)
- skunks. Scream.

Omg I'm jodi Foster.

Silence of the Skunks.

I couldn't save him.

He must have known that. So he sprayed me and he screamed and now I will be haunted forever. And the smell is so strong that he could potentially be in my bed.

But... No power.

Cant see.


Skunks screaming.

Silence of the Skunks.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

im in a band


i'm in a band

by Asimplegirl Jones on Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 3:36pm
@a_simple_girl outside the box, Maine
cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

1. ANYone on the side of the road (with or without a vehicle) could be a murderer...

1 minute ago Favorite Reply Delete
2. I used to LOVE it when my library books had this type of cover. I love the memory of it as a kid by how it FEELS.
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3. this sign right here, that says "no parking anytime," referring only to ONE pkg space... bff parks in it #rebels
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4. (back2book) aw, remember? I often couldn't resist picking at the tape. I had to. The ocd signs were there at 8yrs
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5. & then your finger would either stick to the tape area or you'd get sticky GUCK thru the whole book (corner view)
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6. then by the end of the book, u, the stick area (or tape are, if u didn't pick it - even on the corners!), & have a silent but rythmic bond.
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7. And even though u may never have noticed until you were on to the next book, and one of your fingers starts moving on its own as you read...
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8. And your mind starts to move from comprehension & mental image of words/story, to eyesmovingovertextsomethingfeelsweirdbut
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9. *insert any number of different trails thru which u tread, perhaps re-reading a sentence, paragraph, PAGE bcuz u keep noticing something eh.
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10. And the lucky, ADHD ones like me, DO eventually make it there... you reailze why you can't read...something is missing - you break it down.
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11. the trigger: your hand begins to sink into the comfort of how you hold your book, you begin tapping a rythym that your mind can't hear...
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12. Then on an easy to ignore sentence in a paragraph of the book, you're bored for a milli-fraction of a second & *fade*you hear the tapping...
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13. The story disappears as you realize you've been joyfully tapping away and you shut everything off & listen to hear what the rythym is saying
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14. You listen, silently practice, perfect & begin to mentally & rythmically chant the beat with a voice only in your head...BUM ba bum-bum Bah
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15. *what book?* you continue to chant the rythym (howthefuckdoyouspellrythym), then add a low base line as ur eyes scan the last 2 lines u read

16. no fuckin idea what the lines say bcuz you left off there to discover the tapping, but you might as well keep scanning bcuz you'll be back..
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17. ...but since you ARE scanning, and you can easily make it reduntant & repetitive... buuuuuuh BAAaaam *fingers tapping* buuuuh BAAaaam *same*
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18. And then well the whole band has arrived and everyone is rehearsed and the house is rocking, you remember the last time you rocked the house
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19. Same song, always, bcuz u know it once u get going...sometimes it brings your mind back to the plot of the one you just finished b4 this one
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20. And there is something missing from THIS current funk performance that I loved about that venue that just wasn't HERE with THIS book.
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21. And then it happens.
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22. Could be a minute, could be 3 books & 5 weeks later. But when it happens, the 2 most likely outcomes among MY personalities are as follows:
48 m
23.  You walk by an area of stuff in mudroom where you drop pretty much everything when u get home, u scan, take mental inventory...
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24. Coat, backpack, dirty socks, ew I asked him to put those in the washer 2 pencils, stack of library books, oooh I love that kind of cover....
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25. Instantly the beat begins in my head as the inventory continues...I know it immediately and I jam...I'm rocking
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26. I hesitate. This is it. All of sudden, mid-rock, I'm stuck... ... ... ... Frozen-in-song. I just LOOKED at & spent a moment w that cover...
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27. Therefore, that personality is playing the song with... ... ... wait, wha?... ... ... .. ... ...beep ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... *gasp*
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28. Someone ELSE is singing too and there is NO note in the beat where the mudroom scanner has a note...and better sound & music overall...
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29. Holy shitballs the tape is the missing instrument! I love the tape. Aww? My new band has no tape. Ew and a differnt cover I hate the cover.
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30. I love the tape. sometimes I wanna pick off...stick, gunk, annoying, tap, read, rythym, beat, rock, best cove… (cont)
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31. Well I don't remember what 1. Is so I don't know what 2. Was supposed to be so I have to go...
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32.  Oh look, I'm reading...
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Monday, March 28, 2011

what's THAT? that is a pronoun.

it aaaaaaaall boiled down to who was the guy watching us? and why did he choose me to

go crazy today?

date. 12:57 march 28

my sister would love glee she loves harmony too lori loves

erased to say what would they think? people judge? is it because of the continents and the game pieces well they do fight and - little and big?


fuck i interrupted.

who deCIDED that fuck was a bad word?

where did it come from



does it have to look like the person?


2011 what's that mean?

down to the down to the down to the down to the down to tha
that's a blog

what's an internet

send it thru space?

minds get smarter?

wood makes fire.

burn it and make room for more which is trees which is soul which is

soil but if i HAD meant soul

whats a soul. we cant see it so its an idea



people? howd the get there?

down and down and down what's down...


Friday, July 23, 2010


this is all i want to do forever about 3 hours ago via Twitpic

how. much. fun. #ohmygodiloveit #whatreallifejob? about 3 hours ago via Twitpic

oops .............switching the subject real quick just to say HOLY UNFUCKINBELIEVABLE SET OF PIPES ............. about 3 hours ago via TweetDeck CHRISTINA AGUILERA  YOU LOST ME ON YOUTUBE she is truly incredible

oh, by the way #jamesmorrisonrocks about 2 hours ago via TweetDeck

@imacolata i don't know! my bff little girl just got 2 of them for her birthday. #iwantone #NOW!

dont you SEE? this is my #ADHD fucking #dreamcometrue about 2 hours ago via Twitpic

***"why i love this book:" by veruca whatever*** #selfcrownedpsychologyexpert based on the fact #imfuckingcrazy #ihaveeverythinginthebook about 2 hours ago via txt

lets say i had picked up a pink chaotic book that caught my eye simply by the instinct #curse that inhibits me from NOT noticing & HAVING 2C about 2 hours ago via txt

and what if inside that book there was a box of colored pencils, perfectly sharpened & of every color...but the book only held BLANK. PAGES. about 2 hours ago via txt

might be fun...i'm quite certain i could easily be distracted by something else chaotic & leave this behind, pencils all over the table... about 2 hours ago via txt

i would have left behind like...maybe 3 pages of pointless, "barely-more-than-a-single-detail" type scribbles... about 2 hours ago via txt

so if you dont attract something cool enough for yourself to consider even STARTING, your pretty fucked with the 2 opposing contenders... about 2 hours ago via txt

so the ADHD does not impair my ability to conCEIVE the ideas. i'm running my fingerleft to right over the mental screen of apps on my itouch about 2 hours ago via

 waiting for one thing to reflect this blinding light into your eye, screaming "i'm so fucking exciting you will FUCKIN LOVE THIS!!" about 2 hours ago via txt

nope, *swish* nope *swish* nope *swish* as quickly as your eye just read it... about 2 hours ago via txt
and you DO eventually see that #blindinglight ...and you DID produce 3 completely random, uninteresting and stupid blahpages about 2 hours ago via txt
but none of that happens! ...cuz this is there instead: #cueangelshallelujahing about 1 hour ago via Twitpic

i dont know how to spell *hallelujah* i just googled it on the last tweet but dont remember from that one to this one if i just did it wrong about 1 hour ago via txt
so. the book. look at this shit! you dont have to try & impress or attract youSELF cuz u arent the origin. its COOLER your ideas had been... about 1 hour ago via txt

the pages with lots of multiples. like the cupcakes, is like a fucking DREAM cuz now you get the apps page on the itouch when faced with... about 1 hour ago via txt

WHAT to do with the cupcake. but there are like, a MILLion (10) here & there are big ones & small ones and omg i'll do one red & blue, red.. about 1 hour ago via txt

and then you flip pages, holyshitumbrellas, and wall paper, the endless sea of possibilities is like fucking HERoin, but #iveneverdoneheroin about 1 hour ago via txt

**you skip the pictured w just one option. draw the beach on this almost empty page...ew. big idea. too big. #ihateit #illgetboredin5seconds about 1 hour ago via txt

this is an example of the exact OPPOSITE of what i just said #icoulddothis4days about 1 hour ago via Twitpic

structure. chaotic structure. about 1 hour ago via txt

deciding. who cares. theyre fun about 1 hour ago via txt

pencils spotted. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck

they're screaming about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
... ... ... .

once my eyes take in the scene, and my hand reaches slowly for a pencil #whocareswhatcolor, my head drops and i'm OFF about 1 hour ago

everything outside of this book & these pencils & the fucking #chemicalfreeacidtrip going on in my head, just came to a screeching halt. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
this begins the moment that the highest dosage of drug is released to the shark endorphins & it's a straight line slide downhill from there. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck

end of story. about 1 hour ago via txt

cut short bcuz by i cannot exist outside of at least a 5 mile radius of my bff's husband without him having drama bcuz he's FIVEfknyrsold about 1 hour ago via txt
but good place to end. i saw something shiny & chaotic our here at the ice cream section of hannaford... what do i want... 44 minutes ago via txt

the inability to stop texting this enitre time has been an example of everything i was texting. as i was texting it. 43 minutes ago via txt

WICKED into converting this from mind to something savable... i dont know why i want to save it. i want to read it again in 5 yrs. #thatsfun 42 minutes ago via txt

and even though those voices were there... "everyone's gonna hate u for throwing your shit all over their pages" or "they'll unfollow you!" 40 minutes ago via txt

*insert sarcastic scaredy face horror movie scream here* 39 minutes ago via txt

thats not why i tweet. 37 minutes ago via txt
moral of the story: throwing my interest into this story, which i became obsessed with, was also a selftaughtsupportgroup #lmao #psychexpert 36 minutes ago via txt

i SO. DeSPErATELY wanted. to sit down and decorate that entire book & forget the existence of the world around me. #itwasscreaming ...but... 34 minutes ago via

my support group pers#4 said "its a brand new bday present, personality #2, to an eight year old. you're NOT. find another thought, & ... 32 minutes ago via txt
find another light cuz you cant color in here #butohmygodlookattheanimalzoocages! 31 minutes ago via txt

therefore, the past *however long* has been the light. and now its going OUT. 30 minutes ago via txt

 oh. and i got chocolate chip. 29 minutes ago via txt

*credits* not rolling, though... i think... fade in fade out... 28 minutes ago via txt

this has been a presentation of #imustbeREALLYfuckedup 26 minutes ago via txt

by amandas 1 through 8 25 minutes ago via txt
ok, fine. chocolate chip AND vanilla bean... but the KIDS are coming! translation: #dontknowifiwantchockchipsorrainbowsprink les 16 minutes ago via txt

home now. gonna go find something shiny. ...... ... ... .... ...... .... beeeep beep beeeep beep ... ... 12 minutes ago via txt

Monday, July 5, 2010

love story

Late night 4th of July, 2010…

i just switched personalities 7 when i came to, i was sitting on the floor, halfway thru a piece of pizza, Nerds on the side... #theresmore

...watching the Upside Down Show on Nick Jr or something, which, btw, i dont encourage or ever offer to watch because... #itkindacreepsmeout

SO into a text message that i was LOCKED inside of typing all the way thru cuz i didnt want to forget- i could barely keep up the thoughts

crazy shit. i'm sitting halfway thru an episode of dudes i cant stand talking w their hands with faces on their hands#withthosegooglyeyes
about 9 hours ago  via txt

why cant the guys just talk? we can SEE them. so can you please just put your hand away & take off the googly eyes cuz it feels creepily odd

yeah... that chick with the pizza and the nerds is a crazy. she always eats junk. ;) about 9 hours ago via txt

Smarties again. it's bad. #problemswithcandy


(cut to the love story)

hot tub – overlooking bay

girl & boy – lovers

perfect everything

girl leans over, smiles into boys eyes, kisses his cheek, whispers into his ear

Girl: you make me feel like I can walk on this water.


boy turns head to girl after she whispers in his ear, catching her lips with his before the distance is too great…

he looks into her soul and time freezes before he can speak…

Boy: …you can

Friday, May 7, 2010

mcd's coke

(my tweets from the day’s adventure)

if i could even tell u people what the fuck is going on at mcd's right now you wouldnt even believe me. fucking. ridiculous. for a fkn coke

me total was $4.74. i gave her a $20.00. she looks at me & rolls he eyes as she's digging thru the change drawer & says "sorry, no quarters"

Now, i dont remember what the total was cuz actually, i was getting rdy 2tweet, but she seemd 2b collecting like 274 pennies from the drawer

i assume it mustve been like 0.99 cents bcuz of the annoyed eye roll, bcuz counting our change is apparently sweat incuding, so i say

"oh thats ok, i have change, how much was it?" she says $4.74. well, actually, i'm tweeting so i reach down & pick up $0.26 bcuz i'm BUSY

so busy apparently, that i'm only hearing the personality who is saying "why the fuck was 0.26 cents so hard to break down from one quarter?

but all i hear from that personality is "twenty six twenty six twenty six" all 7 other personalities are talking as well:

P2: (fade in) " ok, these are the things i need to get done when i get up there - get over your fkn OCD & order, make that album (fade out)"

P3: (fade in) WHY is the bottom of my fuckin right foot so itchy? why is it my right foot? did i step on something sketchy w bare (fade ou)

P4: oh fuck what did the mcd's chick say? $4.24 *P4 ALSO hears the distant "twenty six twenty six" so: ah, yes, $4.2SIX! i hand her $0.26

she's frozen at the register, fingering the change so it would "clink" as though she hadnt had to stop & think cuz i would JUDGE her 4sure

P5 yo dipshit, you just confused the poor kid, it was 74 cents will you give the poor kid the right fuckin change- youure confusing me too

P6 would i know how to make change if i was her? omg, please tell me i would.

P7: (in geek voice) 74 & 26 = 100 she owed you 26cents. you gave her 26cents. youre an idiot. give her 48fkn cents b4 i freak out.

well, everyone was talking all at once & P7 was being a KNOW it all so i reached down, grabbed 2 quarters & handed them to her, apologizing

tell her i didnt mean to be confusuing, my bad, here's 50cents just keep the 2 cents..." i look @ the girl...she's clinking the change again

tell her i didnt mean to be confusuing, my bad, here's 50cents just keep the 2 cents..." i look @ the girl...she's clinking the change again

she hasd a completely blank face and in movie slow motion, she turns, hands me $ & barely mutters... "mmkay" She hands me: (drum roll)


this is where i lost the voet 5to3 (8 personalities) instead of driving off & letting it go i say, as her CORPORaTE cash drawer latches shut ...

i know i confused you, i'm so sorry, i just need one more dollar. i know its only a dollar but actually, i'm not giving it to mcd's

people in Nashville need toothpaste. McD's nees a fkn NOTHING

this girl is looking at me like i'm from One Flew Over & i'm after an awkward silence i was on the verge of just leaving Mcds w nothing, but

i actually dont have any money either so actually Ps who voted to leave, you should be telling me to be responsible & get my money

"umm... i'll be right back"

oh well thats just fuckin fanTAStic. i'm at the window to pay, 2 cars are behind me & she's gone. i hear P4 and P8: "run! run! go! go!"

after everyone in mcd's come and LOoKS att me cuz apparently being confusing is cause for a public viewing & finally, after everyone is done

she comes back with: THE BLUE SHIRT. (echo shirt 3times) the blue shirt, tie, & great big key ring attached to his wrist. TOUGH face

I'm really sorry, sir, I was really just (all Ps: shut the fuck up, he's not going to get it either - just LEAVE - he hates you - WFT?!) ...

TOUGH GUY (shaking his head): No, no, that's not a problem (exhales harshly 2let me know he's the manager (& his penis is small)) #dontsayit

he puts the key in the drawer, turns it like a man, opens it, and i sit up in my seat, ready to receive the $1 & get my fuckin COKE

well, he didn't slide the dollar out of that far right compartment. no he did not. and i didn't get a dollar, either. you knwo what he did?

He extracted the drawer from the maching & held it up with one had like a tray of drinks (cuz that's the cool way) & said: Just have to ...

ZERO - OUT- THE - DRAWER (insert any arrangement of screams or sound effects for every part of every screamy or sound effecty movie here)

NOOOOO! so immediately, i prepare to drive off and say, OMG! no, no, that's so unnecessary, you know waht, you can keep the dollar! its ok!

and HE SAYS: "we just can't GIVE money away around here." ... ... wait. what?

after that HARD silence of all eight of my coming to a complete halt in every single way... ... ... ...

... .... ... ... ... did he just say that?

*UPROAR of crazy me(s): OH NO HE DID NOT! u wait right there & WATCH him count that fuckin drawer if it takes a WEEK, what the f - who the –

"Nope, that's ok, we need to make sure that she (points to poor thing) doesnt' get in trouble.* (i'm still saying KEEP THE FKN DOLLAR!)

Mini Penis: Here's what you can do. I'm gonna have you pull out and park, it'll just take me a minute & i'll have someone bring your food

i ordered fries with my coke because i just finished and ice cream and i needed some salt. #randominsert

This guy is NOT going to let me bail bczu he thinks i'm ripping him off. Is this seriously happening? for a coke. my favorite coke

so i pull around, park my fuckin car and imagining how nice it would be to actually SEE the look on Mini Penis' face when he saw that:

ONE. DOLLAR. and those TWO. PENNIES. ...prick. he'd look at the slip, look at the total on the CALCULATOR, look at the slip, look at the...

shockingly enough, he personally delivered my coke & my fries with my one dollar & must have kept the 2 cents as his tip. I said thank you.

i apologized again, very politely, and as I pulled out of the parking lot, sipping my delicious, perfect coke, all the drama faded away...

but inside my head all the Ps were looking out the back window, flipping the bird & screaming profanities, & telling him he had a tiny penis

and i just drank my coke

hi guys!

*sips coke*

and now, instead of working late, i'm going to go home & give my munchie a bath & put a dollar aside for the next donation cup i see :)

and then i'll be back to respond to all of you. cuz i fuckin LOVE you guys *awww* my little tweep family <3 <3

___________________time lapse______________________

ready for this?! lmao i so deserve this for my name calling to Mini Penis. just left studio, got in car, was instantly surrounded w people

or rather, other cars who want my space (behind Bear Brew friday nite). i leave, someone wins, i pull out and suddenly realize: wait4it...!

i forgot my coke.

and it'll take a n hour to get a space again (ok, fine, a few minutes but fuck. seriously? ...FUCK!)

... ... ... *feeling defeated* i'd rather go home & bathe & tuck in my rascal

fuckin coke

*fades out* END SCENE

Just for the record, my McDs supporting friends, I was in NO way making fun of the girl bcuz she couldnt make change. I WAS confusing...
However, the scene did NOT need to go down like it did. And it wouldn've HELPED if she had know a wee bit more. it was more MiniPenis GRRR

·  but an adventure, for sure :) haha what are we doing, anyway? HI! laying on heating pad. not drugs...yet. Happy almost Mom's Day, moms!

My Friends responding:

that was the best Twitter story ever! Intrigue! Mystery! Suspense! Drama!! Delicious coke!! 5 stars.
I would have thanked him for performing his McJob so well for being a pillar in the McCommunity and wasting my McFuckingTime

LMAO I love you, you have been great entertainment tonight.

I need to send you a McDonalds gift card! I beginning to think you're a coke addict......

Standing Ovation!

I LOVE your mcdonalds story

Louise. That's just one great fucking big Tweet rant. I do hope 1 of 8 at least pulled her t-shirt and showed them.

McD's fountain coke is the best. Period. End of sentence. No contest.

I finally found the 1st tweet about your McD rant. I'm so going to dig in to this and read them all.

That's your dinner? A Coke and fries?

Mcd's is finding it tough to make a buck these days. LITERALLY!

This is hilarious! Man, I wish we'd met.

Well done. I wouldn't have left without my dollar either. :-))) I needed that story BTW thanks.

yikes. Was she at least cute?

and I LOVE giving them a penny when the change is 26 or 76, they get all confused it's great!

what is wrong with people, i want to say 'do your Fing job & don't be bitchy with me!'

Americans need to start demanding more qualified humans as cashiers.

That was fun, huh?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I am a single mom to a four year old boy.  He is quite literally, my life.

My 60 year old father is really the only male influence he has that is remotely positive as his actual father, who lives two towns over, spends an obligatory 4-8 hours a week with Ashton, and Ashton views his “Donor” as a weekly playdate, for the most part.

From the time Ashton was almost one until he was about 2 ½, he and I lived with my best friend, also a single mother at the time, with three little girls.  My sister, until this year, had two girls, and my 60 year old mother is his full time childcare provider when I’m working.

I started him in preschool this past September so that he could socialize with other children his age, and he goes every Tuesday and Thursday for two and a half hours.  I always have thought that his was smart, but only because he is mine and because I really have no frame of reference.  I’m not used to boys nor am I aware of what you are or are not supposed to know at four years old and quite honestly, I don’t care.  I do the best I can to make sure that Ashton gets a explanation for his WHYs and I teach him things as they apply to our life or our toys…
His teachers are floored by the things that he knows and tell me his is “brilliant” when I pick him up after school, always giving me an example of something he said that they just cannot believe came from a boy his age.  The latest story just the other day was how truly awed both of his teachers were when he told them that ON and NO had the same letters but made two different words if you “flip flopped” them.  These are the types of things I hear that make me think I’m doing alright as a parent.  He does have an impeccable memory, and everything in our lives is a song or has a beat… music is our mnemonic device for just about everything.  And he’s very musical, therefore, the ability to retain information is comes very naturally to him. He’s been recognizing two and three letter words for at least a year, and now reads sentences and BOB books with expression, which yes, DOES blow my mind a bit.  We’ve just recently been practicing the Leap Frog “jingle”

“Silent “e” makes the first vowel say its’ name… (example) take “can,” add “e,” and you’ve got “CANE!””

But…it’s because he thinks it’s fun to sit in front of the refrigerator and make words in the little Leap Frog word game…phonics.  Phonics is everything.  And I think music is an enormously valuable tool for learning and for teaching.

Thus far, I have given you this information not because I want to brag about my kid.  Throw in trains, Hotwheels, playing outside, swimming, open gym, the bank, grocery store, a trampoline, a sandbox, and some random externalities that are always changing, Ashton’s life is very routine and hopefully predictable in a comforting and expectable way…

All of the latter being said, I promised myself when it came down to just the two of us, that I would always try and be as honest as I can to his age at the time of his question.  I don’ t want him to know of violence in the world because he’s FOUR.  I’ve always called his penis a penis, I made that Coexist video because it’s important to me and I want it to be important to him.  When he asks me why people are different or he notices people with handicaps, I tell it like it is because I think he deserves that. 

In my opinion, I don’t think that my four year old needs to know that we’re at war and people are dying and building weapons of mass destruction.  Yet, after the Haiti earthquake and then all the others around the world, we watched the old and new “We Are the World” videos and I told him that the artists came together to try and raise money for people whose houses had been blown over.  I explained that there were injuries and that all people should always help all people because they needed food and water and shelter and all people deserve those things.

There is your background:

Tonight we were driving home from my best friend’s house and from the backseat he said,

“Mommy, what does “arrested” mean?”

For a fraction of a second, I was already starting to answer… but then I stopped when my brain started getting ahead of my mouth and I realized that this was going to be much harder than before that second had started. 

Policeman.  Ok.  A policeman in Ashton’s world…
…drives a police car.  
…the car has a siren.
…he can make a fine siren sound.
…there usually are no actual policemen in any of those vehicles because they are Hotwheels, hence they would have to be about the size of an ant.

The only conflicts Ashton really deals with outside of battling with me are the conflicts that Dora, Diego, and Sesame Street face, and quite honestly, he is sometimes upset with them until we sit down together and wait for the characters to solve the problem.  I usually try and relate the conflict to our life at some point beyond that, especially if he’s really upset, but nothing is ever devastating.  He’d just much rather…play outside.  He doesn’t’ see any other television outside of toddler television unless I let him watch Animal Planet or the Doppler Radar. Haha

Also, keep in mind that he has generally only ever played with girls, and because he was the only boy in those circumstances, the girls were typically psyched to center their worlds around him and play with the boy toys.

He has no police-like vocabulary.  If you said you were going to shoot him with your gun, he would most likely say,

“OK, but don’t squirt me in the eye…”

…because water comes out of guns…not bullets.  And he probably has no idea what a bullet is.  And in addition to bullet, you can throw in all other criminally related paraphernalia… including “criminal.”

So…what does “arrested” mean…?

i have no idea.

“well, pal, when people break the law, policemen arrest them.”

Shit.  That sucked.

“But what is arrested, Mama?”

“Well, the policemen put handcuffs on bad guys’ wrists like this (wrists crossed out in front pose while I drive) so they can’t run away and them to jail when they break the law.”

He gave me a confused look in the rear view mirror which made me feel like I’d done even worse at this second attempt…
I stayed quiet for a second until his look subsided.

“What’s are handcuffs?”

“Welp…they are um…(feel free to place “Um” anywhere from here until the end because there were a million of them)…these metal circle things nice, Amanda…NICE that you lock around…am I saying this? someone’s wrists so they can’t get away.  uhhh, a bad guy’s wrists.

I’m pretty sure that in his 4yr old head was a reaction along the lines of, “…lock around someone’s wrists? Are you fuckin’ kidding me right now?”

OK.  So this is where I need you all to join me in stepping outside the box for a second and crawl into the car with me and sit in the passenger seat and pretend that you are telling someone for the first time what it means to break the law, get arrested, and go to jail.

“Well,” he asked after a moment of thought, “what’s is jail?”

insert sound of bomb as it descends from the sky and BOOM! explodes as I sink deeper and deeper…


“Jail is a…big place…a big…building fuck fuck fuck where the policemen take the bad guys actually, Amanda not everyone who gets arrested is a bad guy but whatever and they…um…”

OK. OK, person in the passenger seat. Finish that sentence…go on, finish that sentence!!

“…they…stay in a room…because they didn’t follow the rules and um…they have to stay there…for –“

I have no idea how this happens but within the next second, he had a stream of actual tears falling down his cheeks, the outside light reflecting off his welled up eyes, magnifying and deepening the innocent brightest blue you’ve ever seen in your life within his perfect world as I crushed and stomped all over it.


As he blinks out more tears,

“You mean they can’t ever come home?” OMG what have I done? “And then I’ll have NO ONE?!”

“OH NO, baby! OH NO!” I’m reaching in the back seat as we come up Waterworks Hill to grab his hand and GO GO GADGET ARM to wipe his waterfall of tears into my hand of fucking regret. “MOMMY isn’t going to jail! I will never let my registration run out 6 months ago again and I will never speed and I will never lie cheat steal drink drug Mommies don’t go to jail, honey, yes they do – um hello? Casey Anthony psycho mom shut up shut up only bad people…drowning drowning, grabbing for straws you suck! You suck! Really REALLY bad people, sweetie.  No one in our family your father doesn’t count is ever going to go to jail, honey. “

Am I setting him up for failure? Should he already know that these things exist? Remember a few years ago when he was still in the stroller on Halloween and the SoANDSo family came to trick or treat with one of the girls and their little boy (who was 5 at the time) was all decked out in his camo gear with a camouflage painted face and an enormous machine gun and he was speaking in his KILLER voice and pointing and shooting everyone in the kitchen.  My GOD I was MORTIFIED!! but now should I be questioning my self? Why would I just randomly TEACH him that? I wouldn’t!
Should I be thinking about him playing with his friends and being arrested in a traffic stop role play? Would he freak out? Play along? Ask what the fuck his friend is doing when someone attempts to pretend handcuff or shoot him?  Should he know how to pretend DIE when shot at?  I’m HORRIFIED at the thought of my child being aware of ANY OF THAT! Or what if all the other children all know and Ashton has to ask himself WHY he’s the only kid that has NO CLUE what the hell is going on? Am I setting him up for feeling inferior amongst his peers?
I’ve told him about dying and death as he has asked here and there and I guess I’ve been as honest as I know how to be…but natural death.  And actually, I don’t fuckin’ know what happens when you die, so no, I didn’t move on from the initial inquisition and start listing off the ways people die, especially not at the hands of another human with this THING that shoots little THINGS out if it that penetrate your skin and you bleed out or you just instantly fall to the ground and your life is OVER? WHAT AM I SAYING?


I.             AM. MORTIFIED.

“…really REALLY bad people, honey,…”

He interjects my regretful and repetitive attempt at recovery with a question of hope.

“Oh, like people who speed?”


I go on to attempt to answer the rest of his questions including but not limited to laws and why we have them in relation to rules and why Mommy has them, that policemen are in charge of making sure that everyone follows those rules, and as a result of breaking those rules ADULTS ONLY get handcuffed and locked up in a room in a place for an amount of time directly related to their “breaking of the rules (so I wouldn’t have to define CRIME).”

As we turn down our street, the car is quiet.  Ashton has GOT to be confused and tormented with inner turmoil.  Did she just tell me that we tie people’s hands together and lock them up in a room all by themselves?  People DO that to other people?  I don’t understand this. That’s absurd. Completely wild and whacked and crazy…wait. What?!

I just made him cry.  I ruined his image of man.  Now we are violent toward one another and we lock each other up. That must be so scary to hear and weird and backwards and FUCKED UP. What now? Should I be saying something? How do I make it better I hate myself I hate myself…

And then it was as if one of my other personalities just couldn’t even STAND how friggin’ stupid I had been.  I took a deep breath in as the reality of the simplicity formed in my find and I could feel  my eyes widen with the epiphany as if I were looking directly at It and I couldn’t believe my eyes because I actually couldn’t believe what was behind them.  I caught him off guard slightly as I abruptly scared him out of his confusion as I turned the car into our driveway.

“ASHTON!  MOMMY JUST REALIZED WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! Oh, honey, I am so sorry I upset you.  It is just an idea that is very hard to explain, but I think I just thought of something that will help make it easier to understand.”

He just looked at me…doubt in his eyes.

“Getting arrested for breaking the rules and going to jail? Do you want to know what all of that REALLY is?”

As we pull into the garage, “What, Mama?”

I put the car in park, praying that this epiphany would pull me from the depths of defeat and make it easier and less harsh and less overwhelming and less soul crushing to my little boy. 

I unbuckled my seatbelt and turned around to look at him.  I reached back and I took his hand and while applying some ease and with a sense of petrified hopes for relief, I said,

“It’s a grown-up TIME OUT.”

He looked at me and I saw the faintest glimpse of a smile as he thought for a moment.  He brightened exponentially as he mentally pieced the puzzle together, as it finally resembled a puzzle with a few missing pieces based solely on age as opposed to a scattered mass of “holy shit” all over the table and he looked back at me.  His eyes said it all.  And all that came from his mouth as he reassured me and connected to me with his mind was,


I turned back around, closed my eyes, let out a huge sigh of relief, turned the key in the ignition, shutting off the car, and held back tears at the fear of every scaring him in any of the ways that I just had in a five minute trip home from my best friends house.

And there is so much more…

…it sure is scary…

…this world…