arrested

I am a single mom to a four year old boy.  He is quite literally, my life.

My 60 year old father is really the only male influence he has that is remotely positive as his actual father, who lives two towns over, spends an obligatory 4-8 hours a week with Ashton, and Ashton views his “Donor” as a weekly playdate, for the most part.

From the time Ashton was almost one until he was about 2 ½, he and I lived with my best friend, also a single mother at the time, with three little girls.  My sister, until this year, had two girls, and my 60 year old mother is his full time childcare provider when I’m working.

I started him in preschool this past September so that he could socialize with other children his age, and he goes every Tuesday and Thursday for two and a half hours.  I always have thought that his was smart, but only because he is mine and because I really have no frame of reference.  I’m not used to boys nor am I aware of what you are or are not supposed to know at four years old and quite honestly, I don’t care.  I do the best I can to make sure that Ashton gets a explanation for his WHYs and I teach him things as they apply to our life or our toys…

His teachers are floored by the things that he knows and tell me his is “brilliant” when I pick him up after school, always giving me an example of something he said that they just cannot believe came from a boy his age.  The latest story just the other day was how truly awed both of his teachers were when he told them that ON and NO had the same letters but made two different words if you “flip flopped” them.  These are the types of things I hear that make me think I’m doing alright as a parent.  He does have an impeccable memory, and everything in our lives is a song or has a beat… music is our mnemonic device for just about everything.  And he’s very musical, therefore, the ability to retain information is comes very naturally to him. He’s been recognizing two and three letter words for at least a year, and now reads sentences and BOB books with expression, which yes, DOES blow my mind a bit.  We’ve just recently been practicing the Leap Frog “jingle”

“Silent “e” makes the first vowel say its’ name… (example) take “can,” add “e,” and you’ve got “CANE!””

But…it’s because he thinks it’s fun to sit in front of the refrigerator and make words in the little Leap Frog word game…phonics.  Phonics is everything.  And I think music is an enormously valuable tool for learning and for teaching.

Thus far, I have given you this information not because I want to brag about my kid.  Throw in trains, Hotwheels, playing outside, swimming, open gym, the bank, grocery store, a trampoline, a sandbox, and some random externalities that are always changing, Ashton’s life is very routine and hopefully predictable in a comforting and expectable way…

All of the latter being said, I promised myself when it came down to just the two of us, that I would always try and be as honest as I can to his age at the time of his question.  I don’ t want him to know of violence in the world because he’s FOUR.  I’ve always called his penis a penis, I made that Coexist video because it’s important to me and I want it to be important to him.  When he asks me why people are different or he notices people with handicaps, I tell it like it is because I think he deserves that. 

In my opinion, I don’t think that my four year old needs to know that we’re at war and people are dying and building weapons of mass destruction.  Yet, after the Haiti earthquake and then all the others around the world, we watched the old and new “We Are the World” videos and I told him that the artists came together to try and raise money for people whose houses had been blown over.  I explained that there were injuries and that all people should always help all people because they needed food and water and shelter and all people deserve those things.

There is your background:

Tonight we were driving home from my best friend’s house and from the backseat he said,

“Mommy, what does “arrested” mean?”

For a fraction of a second, I was already starting to answer… but then I stopped when my brain started getting ahead of my mouth and I realized that this was going to be much harder than before that second had started. 

Policeman.  Ok.  A policeman in Ashton’s world…

…drives a police car.  

…the car has a siren.

…he can make a fine siren sound.

…there usually are no actual policemen in any of those vehicles because they are Hotwheels, hence they would have to be about the size of an ant.

The only conflicts Ashton really deals with outside of battling with me are the conflicts that Dora, Diego, and Sesame Street face, and quite honestly, he is sometimes upset with them until we sit down together and wait for the characters to solve the problem.  I usually try and relate the conflict to our life at some point beyond that, especially if he’s really upset, but nothing is ever devastating.  He’d just much rather…play outside.  He doesn’t’ see any other television outside of toddler television unless I let him watch Animal Planet or the Doppler Radar. Haha

Also, keep in mind that he has generally only ever played with girls, and because he was the only boy in those circumstances, the girls were typically psyched to center their worlds around him and play with the boy toys.

He has no police-like vocabulary.  If you said you were going to shoot him with your gun, he would most likely say,

“OK, but don’t squirt me in the eye…”

…because water comes out of guns…not bullets.  And he probably has no idea what a bullet is.  And in addition to bullet, you can throw in all other criminally related paraphernalia… including “criminal.”

So…what does “arrested” mean…?

i have no idea.

“well, pal, when people break the law, policemen arrest them.”

Shit.  That sucked.

“But what is arrested, Mama?”

“Well, the policemen put handcuffs on bad guys’ wrists like this (wrists crossed out in front pose while I drive) so they can’t run away and them to jail when they break the law.”

He gave me a confused look in the rear view mirror which made me feel like I’d done even worse at this second attempt…

I stayed quiet for a second until his look subsided.

“What’s are handcuffs?”

“Welp…they are um…(feel free to place “Um” anywhere from here until the end because there were a million of them)…these metal circle things nice, Amanda…NICE that you lock around…am I saying this? someone’s wrists so they can’t get away.  uhhh, a bad guy’s wrists.

I’m pretty sure that in his 4yr old head was a reaction along the lines of, “…lock around someone’s wrists? Are you fuckin’ kidding me right now?”

OK.  So this is where I need you all to join me in stepping outside the box for a second and crawl into the car with me and sit in the passenger seat and pretend that you are telling someone for the first time what it means to break the law, get arrested, and go to jail.

“Well,” he asked after a moment of thought, “what’s is jail?”

insert sound of bomb as it descends from the sky and BOOM! explodes as I sink deeper and deeper…

Jail.

“Jail is a…big place…a big…building fuck fuck fuck where the policemen take the bad guys actually, Amanda not everyone who gets arrested is a bad guy but whatever and they…um…”

OK. OK, person in the passenger seat. Finish that sentence…go on, finish that sentence!!

“…they…stay in a room…because they didn’t follow the rules and um…they have to stay there…for –“

I have no idea how this happens but within the next second, he had a stream of actual tears falling down his cheeks, the outside light reflecting off his welled up eyes, magnifying and deepening the innocent brightest blue you’ve ever seen in your life within his perfect world as I crushed and stomped all over it.

Shit.

As he blinks out more tears,

“You mean they can’t ever come home?” OMG what have I done? “And then I’ll have NO ONE?!”

“OH NO, baby! OH NO!” I’m reaching in the back seat as we come up Waterworks Hill to grab his hand and GO GO GADGET ARM to wipe his waterfall of tears into my hand of fucking regret. “MOMMY isn’t going to jail! I will never let my registration run out 6 months ago again and I will never speed and I will never lie cheat steal drink drug Mommies don’t go to jail, honey, yes they do – um hello? Casey Anthony psycho mom shut up shut up only bad people…drowning drowning, grabbing for straws you suck! You suck! Really REALLY bad people, sweetie.  No one in our family your father doesn’t count is ever going to go to jail, honey. “

Am I setting him up for failure? Should he already know that these things exist? Remember a few years ago when he was still in the stroller on Halloween and the SoANDSo family came to trick or treat with one of the girls and their little boy (who was 5 at the time) was all decked out in his camo gear with a camouflage painted face and an enormous machine gun and he was speaking in his KILLER voice and pointing and shooting everyone in the kitchen.  My GOD I was MORTIFIED!! but now should I be questioning my self? Why would I just randomly TEACH him that? I wouldn’t!

Should I be thinking about him playing with his friends and being arrested in a traffic stop role play? Would he freak out? Play along? Ask what the fuck his friend is doing when someone attempts to pretend handcuff or shoot him?  Should he know how to pretend DIE when shot at?  I’m HORRIFIED at the thought of my child being aware of ANY OF THAT! Or what if all the other children all know and Ashton has to ask himself WHY he’s the only kid that has NO CLUE what the hell is going on? Am I setting him up for feeling inferior amongst his peers?

I’ve told him about dying and death as he has asked here and there and I guess I’ve been as honest as I know how to be…but natural death.  And actually, I don’t fuckin’ know what happens when you die, so no, I didn’t move on from the initial inquisition and start listing off the ways people die, especially not at the hands of another human with this THING that shoots little THINGS out if it that penetrate your skin and you bleed out or you just instantly fall to the ground and your life is OVER? WHAT AM I SAYING?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON INTENSELY DISTURBED BY ANY OF THIS?? AM I NAÏVE?

BECAUSE I AM.

I.             AM. MORTIFIED.

“…really REALLY bad people, honey,…”

He interjects my regretful and repetitive attempt at recovery with a question of hope.

“Oh, like people who speed?”

Fuck.

I go on to attempt to answer the rest of his questions including but not limited to laws and why we have them in relation to rules and why Mommy has them, that policemen are in charge of making sure that everyone follows those rules, and as a result of breaking those rules ADULTS ONLY get handcuffed and locked up in a room in a place for an amount of time directly related to their “breaking of the rules (so I wouldn’t have to define CRIME).”

As we turn down our street, the car is quiet.  Ashton has GOT to be confused and tormented with inner turmoil.  Did she just tell me that we tie people’s hands together and lock them up in a room all by themselves?  People DO that to other people?  I don’t understand this. That’s absurd. Completely wild and whacked and crazy…wait. What?!

I just made him cry.  I ruined his image of man.  Now we are violent toward one another and we lock each other up. That must be so scary to hear and weird and backwards and FUCKED UP. What now? Should I be saying something? How do I make it better I hate myself I hate myself…

And then it was as if one of my other personalities just couldn’t even STAND how friggin’ stupid I had been.  I took a deep breath in as the reality of the simplicity formed in my find and I could feel  my eyes widen with the epiphany as if I were looking directly at It and I couldn’t believe my eyes because I actually couldn’t believe what was behind them.  I caught him off guard slightly as I abruptly scared him out of his confusion as I turned the car into our driveway.

“ASHTON!  MOMMY JUST REALIZED WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! Oh, honey, I am so sorry I upset you.  It is just an idea that is very hard to explain, but I think I just thought of something that will help make it easier to understand.”

He just looked at me…doubt in his eyes.

“Getting arrested for breaking the rules and going to jail? Do you want to know what all of that REALLY is?”

As we pull into the garage, “What, Mama?”

I put the car in park, praying that this epiphany would pull me from the depths of defeat and make it easier and less harsh and less overwhelming and less soul crushing to my little boy. 

I unbuckled my seatbelt and turned around to look at him.  I reached back and I took his hand and while applying some ease and with a sense of petrified hopes for relief, I said,

“It’s a grown-up TIME OUT.”

He looked at me and I saw the faintest glimpse of a smile as he thought for a moment.  He brightened exponentially as he mentally pieced the puzzle together, as it finally resembled a puzzle with a few missing pieces based solely on age as opposed to a scattered mass of “holy shit” all over the table and he looked back at me.  His eyes said it all.  And all that came from his mouth as he reassured me and connected to me with his mind was,

“oh!”

I turned back around, closed my eyes, let out a huge sigh of relief, turned the key in the ignition, shutting off the car, and held back tears at the fear of every scaring him in any of the ways that I just had in a five minute trip home from my best friends house.

And there is so much more…

…it sure is scary…

…this world…

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

...i wrote this when i was either 26 or 27...i didn't date the entry, but it was following the demise of the best relationship i've ever had to this day...


*sigh*

FOUR things you cannot recover in life * The stone AFTER its thrown * The word AFTER its said * The occasion AFTER its missed * The time AFTER its gone.

 ____________________________________________________________________

I am a girl.  

There are some things only girls know and do.

I am writing as a girl.  I am writing as a person with a heart.  I am writing from experience.  I am writing as a girlfriend.  I am writing as an ex-girlfriend.  I am writing as a young lover.  I am writing as a scorned lover.  And naturally, I am writing because if you want to know girl drama, I'm the Encyclopedia Brittanica.  NOT because i possess the qualities but because if I haven't lived them, survived, conquered, escaped, avoided, or longed for them, I’ve been a shoulder, an abettor, or a supporter of another girl who has.  I could write a SLEW of novels about the women I have encountered and been close with in my life and travels...some with the saddest and most horrifying stories I have ever heard, and some with little less than a fairy tale...

Am I claiming to be an expert on life?  No. I am a student of life.  I am a student of behavior, and I believe that I to watch more closely than the average person.

I always wanted to be a psychologist.  I studied psychology early and wanted to counsel children, until my father set up a meeting for me during my senior year in high school.  With as much respect as I had for the psychologist that I met with, it became clear during my time with him that in order to counsel children through life, you had to separate emotion completely from every child and most importantly, he told me, "you have to be able to leave it all at the office when you go home..."

Out the window with psychology...separate emotion? I can't save every kid from a bad life and take them home with me?  I can't cry about their hardships when they leave?  I can't adopt all those who have been neglected? 

Therefore, many years later, I do my best to capture the innocence of their useful souls with my camera and hope that I somehow preserve a time in their lives that they can look back on and cherish...

(who, me? off subject? yes, of course. it's called a tangent and there will be a million of them by the time i finish...i'll apologize now. it's important to me that you understand WHY i say the things that I say...)

Anyhow, i continued to read the books.  I still do. Psychology, reality, spirituality.  I am not religious.  I do not know why we are here and I don't find one "God" different than the other.  I think that church, bibles, and religion are tools for some people to use as a guide to their lives.  None are tools for me.  I learn about life from people.  I don't know if we are tiny particles of mass and energy or if there is some divinity and purpose, so...i live.  I try and understand how to structure my life based all the externalities of my little tiny world.  That is my church.  I learn from every experience and I make mistakes.  I fall down, and sometimes I don't WANT to get up.  Sometimes I repeat mistakes.  Sometimes I learn a lesson.  Sometimes i fuck up. Sometimes I do well.  All of these things form the conglomerate that is my church.  

Life is HARD...

I exist.  We are all just doing the best that we can.  The forces of good and evil exist, but i believe most things are choices. 

I don't ever want ANYone in my life to look back & think that I wasn't honest or to ever have a reason to resent something that I did.  I've had honesty backfire on me.  And sure, it sucked.  But i stayed true to myself.  And I continue to strive for this daily. I try and recognize inner turmoil in others.

Have you ever made the choice to "settle" for it - to save the heart of another?  You know it's not right, yet you have a heart of gold.  It means only that you really truly just DONT want to hurt someone.  Do you live with and love a girl, yet you just don’t want to be with her forever?  You really want to break it off but you really don’t have a reason outside of a feeling inside that it isn’t going to be forever?  

Living together is a much bigger deal to a girl than to a boy. But it is still in itself, a big deal, and a huge pain in the ass.  But you do care for her and love her and respect the things that she has done for you. Those are the things that matter the most.  

The reality? There MAY be one or two people that see and appreciate your truths, but in the end, you will be the bad guy, the enemy, the idiot, the guy who was stupid enough to throw away the "best thing he ever had."

THUS begins... "the CYCLE"

Let me guess.  Is there a lack of affection? Mostly on your part (the boy)? Little desire?  These factors obviously make a large contribution to your feelings about the relationship.  Well guess what? It gets worse.  These things  don’t matter to her like they do to you.  The things that you think she will eventually seek and find elsewhere?  She thinks those circumstances will change WITHIN and between the two of you, not from someone else in her life.  She knows that you are very special and she will continue to do right by you...to try and MAKE those feelings come back.  And that will go on and on...far past the day that you ever break up with her.  It could take years…

I am not calling you naive.  I am not calling you a wimp or a pussy.  I am not calling you anything, really.  But i am definitely going to TELL you that all of the things that you fear and all of the things that you are trying to avoid (sorry for this part) - they are all true and they are probably all going to happen - because you are a boy and she is a girl and that's the way it goes.  

Do i think it's right? No. Do i think it's necessarily fair? No.  Do i think it sucks even more because you are NOT at ALL what you will end up being portrayed as? Of course it sucks.  The whole THING sucks.  Breaking up SUCKS.  And I'm going to get crazy here, because THIS WAS me - the more time that goes by...the more you KNOW that it's something that you don't want but you let it go...the CLOSER she will get to thinking you are going to get her:

(insert drum roll here)

A.   RING.

(wait for screams to stop)

I KNOW that's AWFUL to say, but after a few years, every Xmas, every V's Day, every birthday, or anniversary or whatEVER, is in the back of her mind. And if it isn't, her friends will be asking her. Her family will ask her.  Someone may say it out loud in the presence of both of you someday and you will feel SICK to your stomach knowing that it's the last thing you want.  And THEN when you finally break it off because you can't BELIEVE these people are talking about marriage, you'll be more of an asshole than you would have been initially.  And that SUCKS because all you were every trying to do was protect someone's heart from pain.

stage one: break up

devastation.  

it's fuckin HARD. and no one gives a shit that it's hard for YOU because YOU are the heartbreaker,  not the broken hearted.  You have a penis, so even if it was an agreed upon and amicable separation (she was lying, by the way) you DUMPED her. you dumped her? what are you crazy? look at her! she's a knockout! 

oh yeah. as unfortunate as it is, there are THAT many people in this life that think that is what matters.  sad. but true.  she is beautiful.  so is angelina jolie. who fuckin' cares.

but this just goes to show that most everyone is going to have some sort of opinion or something to say about why or what you were thinking, even though CLEARLY, it's absolutely no one else's business.  as unfortunate as this is to say, it will amazingly become "EVERYONE's" business.

she will then proceed to extract pretty much everything she possibly can from your house.  she'll purposely try and leave behind gifts that you gave her, and take back the gifts that she bought for you.  she may trash pictures and take down curtains and go through boxes of xmas ornaments. ANYTHING to show that if you are willing to let it all go, you will have NOTHING to show that it ever existed.  This is a hard stage for a girl.  anger. feeling completely rejected.  it sucks.  she will cry - A LOT.  she will start planning how to play you - how to hurt you like you hurt her.  If she is from a good family, she will cry to them, run to them in her state of devastation and no matter what, they will always and rightfully so, be pissed at you too.  forever.  that's their little girl and you broke her heart.  it doesnt matter why.  

you have now crossed into enemy territory.  they will hug her and tell her you don't deserve her and ask questions like "well did he SAY anything?" or "did something HAPPEN?" and she'll say NO because nothing DID happen.  

i KNOW that you would love to be able to say that there was this enORMous eruption and you screamed at each other and had a huge fight and finally someone screamed "It's OVER! i can't DO this anymore!!" and you took that as a one way ticket and BAM! - escape.  But actually, even if that WAS to happen, it will be seen as "just a fight" and if you say "i know, but i'm sick of fighting" of "i know, but i'm still done with this," you're still going to be the same asshole as if you had just broke it off "for no reason" so all you are doing by "waiting for THE fight" is extending your time in a place where you don't want to be.

Or better yet, maybe someone will catch her attention and she'll cheat on you or something and then you won't have to do a damn thing but close the door when she leaves.

But actually, she thinks you walk on water, so that actually ISNT going to happen either…

It just really ISNT.  

The best line will come when you are told through tears and the inability to breathe, that she has nowhere to go.  Oh yeah, and “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?” 

Or the worst: “WHAT DID I DO?”

You will never be able to escape this.  It will happen and you WILL be asked. That is because you are the heart BREAKer and you caused all of this and you are taking EVERYTHING away from her that she knows.  Not just a boyfriend and the love of her life.  You are taking her home, her comfort, all that she loves and did for you, her friends...

It will never be easy.  What you are waiting for is not going to come. You know this is true.  You just dont' feel like dealing with it.  Because it sucks.  

And it DOES suck. 

It happens in every relationship.

(ok, fine, a LOT of them)

stage two: it must be someone else

Next everyone will start to wonder if it is because you are cheating or at least WANT to.  She AND her friends will try and keep track of you, if she has a key, she WILL use it if she didn't make a copy already.  And NO GUY ever thinks that will happen. No, she wouldn't do that.  

A broken hearted woman will do ANYTHING to find an excuse as to WHY or HOW her man could have fallen OUT of love with her.  It's like a feeling of UNREST because they refuse to accept that it just HAPPENED.  And the nice guy is saying the whole time, "i just don't feel in love. it's forced, etc, and i don't want to hurt you but it's not going to change" and all the girl will ever hear is "i either fucked someone else, i WANT to, or i'm gay."  

So they search.  

Some girls eat. Some girls don’t. 

Scenario 1

And then when the non-eaters slim down to that look they KNOW you won’t be able to resist, they find that excuse to “stop by” for something they forgot.  She flaunts it.  You like what you see. 

Really?  You really had sex with her? 

Yeah, you did.

And even though the guy KNOWS AS he's doing it that nothing has changed, he does it anyway. And the girl? Oh yeah, she DOES think it’s her ticket back in.  You won’t be able to refuse her now.  And you LOVE her…

THAT is when he becomes a dickhead for real and the girl just becomes stupid.

Scenario 2

When she looks hot a month after you dump her because she lost weight beCAUSE you ruined her life, she'll want you to see it.  She'll want to look good. She could even say she needs to TALK to you because she really DOES think that you can be friends.  And you say yes, because most everyone in your life with the exception of a few people, have made you feel like you OWE it to her for ripping her heart out and smashing it to the ground.  But all you ever were was honest. The girl primps herself, meets you for dinner or shows up, looking FINE, skinny, beautiful, and everyone in her life has either convinced her that you are not going to be able to resist her and you MISS her and you're all alone and you're totally going to want her back (girls DO THIS shit) or you will sleep with her and then when you don't take her back after THAT, ohhhh boy, how COULD you?!

(because apparently the girls have no part in the sex or the pathetic aspect of putting out)

EVERYTHING is done to make the girl the victim.  

You will never be the victim.  

And the first second you show up with someone else, or someone hears of you dating someone else, or you are SEEN with someone else, yup, there is the proof everyone has been waiting for.  It doesn’t matter if you met her at the grocery store six months later, you're still with someone else before she is so you're an asshole. 

stage three: girls unite

When girls get together, you will always lose.  They may even start a club to seek out your every move.  Yup. Girls can start clubs in their twenties. When they feel as though they are protecting their friend, they'll go to the ends of the earth.  They will give her pep talks to hate you, pep talks to stalk you, pep talks to find someone else, fuck someone else, move, slash your tires, break into your house...my GOD, girls are brutal.  I don't know HOW many times i've had to drive the getaway car for some disastrous broken hearted girlfriend, or go to someone's ex and try and TALK or deliver the rest of "his shit" or drop a letter at the door, or drive by and see if anyone else's car is in his driveway...

It will happen. All or part of it. Girls don't like to feel rejected.  It's what spawns their evil ways. It fuels them.   It wasn’t just highschool. It’s still going…it gets worse as you get older because factors such as cohabitation and large populations creep in as factors that didn’t exist when you were teenagers.

Age and "maturity" and time? They change NOTHING.  This took me WAY too long to learn.  If i can save someone else, maybe i'll have felt as though i made some sort of contribution.  This is SUCH a blog post (minus the specifics, of course). Because it's UNIVERSAL.  

Why is it that i feel it's necessary to tell you all of these horrible things? 

Because it may give a girl a reason to save herself from the drama.  

It was years before I could admit to myself as well as to anyone else that the “love of my life” was just trying to do right by me.  We wanted different things out of life.  He was giving me the chance to have what I wanted out of my life by dumping me. And yet, he wasn't (and SHOULDNT have been) willing to give up what he wanted in order for either one of us to get it.  That's HUGE to me now.  But some people never see it.  I feel blessed and thankful that I was able to learn from others and from my experiences that i needed to get my shit together and face my own demons.  And it really hasnt' been that long since i did that.  

And i still have friends that bitch every time i see them (which i will never understand) about HIM this and HE that.  And they are grown, married, and have kids with someone else! AhhhH! it's pure craziness, i tell you. 

I’m not going to sugar coat it and tell you that none of it will happen because it will. Friends give friends "tough love" in my world.  Honesty DOES matter to some people. 

Now i'm going to switch sides for a minute because I also know the inner battles that contain the "should i stay or should i go now?" (i had to do the song title - it was way too tempting to avoid)

Next…

Things I’ve said that you may be saying too…

"i fucking hate him but I'm going to look like a douchebag to my parents and his after everything my PARENTS have done...for HIM." i was definitely more concerned about my parents opinion of my and the guilt was because they had done so much to help us - and then i just wanted him to get the hell out...that killed me.

Others:

"Well, i  can't stand him but maybe it's just a bad week."

"He is completely in love with me. What if i break his heart and then change my mind when the grass isn't greener. Maybe I just need to be away from him for a little while to realize that i want him...or see if i want him. But then what if he doesn't want ME then...fine. i'll just stay..."

"I can't fuckin' stand him most of the time but when it's good, we have fun...sometimes..."

and yes, i've even done

"it's better than being alone..."

It's life.  It's human nature. It's never fun when you are faced with any type of relationship that you just realize that you arent' happy in anymore.  I have gone through that with my girlfriends too.  What no one seems to ever take into consideration is that just because you are the person who ends the relationship, doesn’t mean you don't experience some kind of loss...you do.  

Separating the silverware - this is yours, this is mine...ugh.  It's all just stuff, but when you add the emotion, it's just HARD.  It's hard for everyone. It's heartbreaking for everyone.  It has an effect on families and friends...what are you going to say when you bump into Whoever at Wherever and they ask how she is...all the  pictures.

the hassle,

the drama...

ugh.

Do yourself a favor.

Try. Truth.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

. 

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. 
  
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. 
  
I would have talked less and listened more. 
  
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. 
  
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. 
  
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. 
  
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband. 
  
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. 
  
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains. 

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. 
  
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. 
  
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. 

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.' 

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!! 

 Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what 
 Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Asimplegirl Jones November 23 at 10:11pm

"in the weeds" aka...

under an enormous pile of...jambalaya - i actually just like to say the word "jambalaya."

pretend that you are under a mountain of randomly strewed...books (how fitting)

there is no light.

you are protected only by a shabbily constructed support system that you have managed to build high enough to accommodate your body, although your legs must stay crossed and you are hunched, the shape of your back a perfect bow just below the roof of your protective literary sheathing.

your only source of air comes from placing your mouth around the straw-like outlet you created from tearing pages out of a glossy paged book and rolling them up like a straw, leading them out through the tiny little glimpse of light you'd seen days before...or lifetimes ago...

your only steady stream of oxygen.

"they" say people can go crazy confined in a dark and crowded space for and extended period of time, eventually losing the ability to track exactly that:

time.

you can get out.

it is possible.

but you must arrange and organize strategically and meticulously from the inside, causing things you can't see on the surface to shift with each of your buried movements.

sometimes a space appears that you can just barely reach an arm through and feel books on other layers above you...
the absence of light when this arm-width space is created only reminds you that the layers are deep...they are heavy.
you reach, blindly, feeling...touching...sending images to your brain as you try and construct the appearance visually without the use of you eyes...
flashes of light separate these images in your head as you try and construct and document the details of what your fingers touch.

you must build your way out, blindly, risk as your only lead and your only threat, knowing that each move you make in the process could cause the demise of your protective nucleus, leaving you once again without oxygen, foundation, support, or beginning.

but i always welcome a challenge...

...such is life...

blue canoe...

November 1 at 11:52pm

this is what just happened on the back deck...

Liz and I go outside for a cigarette (i randomly smoke and i like it but only on special occasions...this one, being "amanda and liz are together")

She just came back from the store so when we've both lit our cigarettes, i look to her for the much anticipated "I was gone for 5 minutes and i have at least a good 39 minutes of adventures at the Blue Canoe" story.

"OK, so my Blue Canoe story. Are you ready for it?"

I'm almost actually dancing with 12 year old excitement...

She begins to describe how it must have been "shift change" because one girl was "doing her drawer..."

Then she went on to try and explain to me that from what she gathered without actually INQUIRING about the "cash-up methods" of shift change under 6 different cameras in a venue that would be an easy target for the amateur criminal, with easy access to Interstate 295, the Maine Turnpike, Route 1, and into a major shopping extravaganza of roads and parking lots, etc (i typed "internet" first by accident just then - then i laughed, wondering what you'd think if I hadn't caught the mistake...then i laughed again). Easy escape. Common target.

So she didn't inquire. But, from the initial run on sentence, she THINKS that from what she could SEE, the SAFE at the store had one of "Insert dollar bill here, face up" type of apparatus instead of a...door? padlock? built in combination?

what.

And just before we then bury ourselves into a completely pointless yet always entertaining analysis of how badly that would SUCK if you have to cash out a drawer through one of those devices, ONE BILL AT A TIME...

and a conVENience store...fuck.

that would suck.

you KNOW they are overLOADED with ones...EVERYONE uses ones at a convenience store...

...wait.

do we?

this then lead to the analysis of IF we do...

and what are you buying?

because SOMETIMES i would be more apt to produce two-one dollar bills for a typical 20 FL OZ of Dragonfruit, which comes in at a nauseating $1.59 on a GOOD day. especially if i entered the store with the intention of getting my Dragonfruit fix, coupled with a strong, physical need to rehydrate, which then means I would've had the 2 bucks in my hand by the time I put the truck in park, because I was centered.

focused.

thirsty.

HOWEVER, somewhere before that entire segment began, I somehow interjected a complete 10 minute narrative, with motions, and SERIOUS gestures because i'm apparently compelled to say how Liz and are are always tired between the afternoon hours of 3 and 5pm and how today i was violent.

she never spoke.

she sat in silence while i paced and circled the patio, leaned on the bricks, walked around waving my arms because I'd normally be screaming with my sometimes "excitement and drama directly reflected by volume and this has a shitload of excitement but actually...none,* "story telling" voice,

BUT

condo development.

two levels of living directly above us.

therefore, i have to settle (INSERT HERE: another story (LMAO) about how offensive a random Quizno's television advertisement that we'd just both witnessed which then was within seconds, centered around how when the kids are all grown up, will the people of the world be more accepting and ever equally respectful of humanity as a whole

or will we just continue to segregate until the pre-requisite list of characteristics is so specific and absolute lunacy in content, that the groups are small enough and now can only begin to wipe another one out in order to gain more members...

and the cycle begins to repeat itself...

a wave

totally consistent from a distance

have to zoom in through light years of time and space to get to the "nitty gritty" which tends only to differ in technology and degree as time passes, with a reflection in increasing complexity due to the "added features" of science

but at the base of the people, each chapter has only ONE main idea.

the mind

starvation/obesity in a "world of people,"

...not a "people of this descent," region, climate

only half of that was actually part of the spoken interjection.

the rest of it just fell out while i was co-analyzing the first portion as I typed it just minutes ago...

and then i just dropped it because I think i"m three layers deep now and now i have serious potential to lose all of them if i add more)

ok that was QUIZNOS to PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

however,

I'm actually still pacing around outside about the gestures, as exaggerated and sometimes what a "normal" person would consider to be "crazy" movements (i'm animated. shut up) attempt to equal out to the volume that i can't utilize to my advantage.

so i throw in the pointless and failed whisper attempt

...about afternoon sleepiness & violent afternoon emotion.

i randomly, probably mid-sentence, decide somewhere along the mind, that i realize i'm even TELLING a story...just stop talking...

there's a comfortable silence...we never actually HAVE to speak in order to talk...she and I share flesh in another life. it's creepy sometimes.

still quiet.

probably taking a drag, listening to hear if the airplane engine at the Portland Airport NEXT DOOR is coming in or taking off, doing this often enough to be able to recognize the status faster each time you do this within the realm of these comfortable silences, observing the rollerblading man that just travels back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and always carries an orange water bottle, perhaps trying to create a pneumonic device via song, or maybe an acronym for the groceries i need to get on Monday night...thinking about how the time change SUCKS when your kid is three

and then finally,...after a fair time designation for completion of one of the latter (maybe even more) passes,

LIZ.

SPEAKS.

and she says:

so i tried to watch nonchalantly to see if the girl was going to try and slide some of the money from that drawer she was tallying, INto the "insert your bill here, face up money thing* or...

...or what?

but (her words speed up as a direct result of the battle that rose within her)

OHMYGOD my turn at the register is almost OVER! am i even going to be able to find OUT if she sticks a bill into that thing before he gives me my CHANGE? holy shit i'm going to miss it!

she was going to MIIISSS IIIIIIT! Nooooo! (echo of distressed Nooooo, echo of distressed Noooo a little bit lower in volume, echo of distressed Noooo a little bit lower than the last "little bit lower" in volume)

I'm about an inch away from her face by now with "anticipatory jubilee" and

AAAAAND:

no.

no unexpected yet happily ending SAVE at the end where the guy drops her change all over the counter and some rolls on the floor, and then after an awkwardly awkward attempt at gathering, remembering how much you were getting in change...

...in the meantime, you've been gifted with more time to observe...

no.

nothing even like that.

just.

END LIZ's Blue Canoe story

i finally speak:

"ok, sooo...*eyes look left, eyes look right, looking for what i missed* did the girl put any money into the "insert bill here, face up thingy?"

"Oh! oh. l don't know."

"what do you mean you don't KNOW?"

"i left."

"what?! you didn't impromptu tie your shoes to linger? appear as though you remembered that box of NERDS that you meant to buy? you don't even know what happened, ...? there's no..."rest of the story?"

"no, buddy," she chuckles. "that was the story."

*shaking my head*

"what the FUCK, buddy*

"SORRY, buddy. i just couldn't figure it OUT so i was sharing the story!"

"sucks."

"i'm freezing."

"me too."

"let's go in."